In Between

I use to wonder where people went after something (usually "bad") happened in their lives. I remember corresponding and connecting with them often and then they sort of just fell away (mostly on social media) whether it was a divorce, loss of a loved one, or illness. I always said a prayer for them because I knew at an early age how those "bad" things can isolate you. 

Now I'm "that" person. I've distanced myself from a lot of things I never thought I would. I've become very selective with what I do and who I share things with. This is definitely not the person I was before Jace was sick or even really before my mom died. 

I was listening to the radio the other day and like many of the daily devotionals on Air 1 this particular thought really hit me. 

{paraphrasing} Sometimes God has you go through pain because not only do you draw nearer to Him, but because people pull nearer to you during that time. Your story could be helping them and you don't even know it. 

So often I hear "people just want to follow and hear your story." Even today, a very sweet, funny friend gave me the perspective I so needed. I am always very puzzled why people that I do not know or who rarely talk to me want to friend me on social media, mostly Facebook. She said, "People want to befriend you, follow you, read your posts, read about your journey because even if they don't say it, they can relate to you or are learning from you."

It's very hard for me to see myself the way others see me and even more difficult to see myself the way God sees me. It's truly a constant tug of war for me. I don't think I'm necessarily being strong in this moment in time. I feel more weak than I ever have. I feel more vulnerable and less trusting of others. I see my faults magnified. I don't think I have a lot to offer right now to anyone much less what it takes to really inspire people. 

I've struggled a lot with what I share about my family of origin recently. It seems I have no problem talking about my experience with Jace and childhood cancer and how that's changed our family, but because my family of origin has so much history, much of it painful, I'm very selective on what I talk about. I know one day that will evolve and I'll be able to talk more about it and hopefully help others who've gone through a similar situation.  

Now that I'm in that in-between place of grief and healing, I totally get where those other people went. They are in a state of healing. They are learning their new normal. They are trying to make sense of all that went wrong and how it will all be right again. They are navigating who to trust and how to live again. They are relearning what they love and even how to love. They are growing into the people that God meant for them to be. 

So, thank you to those of you who are truly meant to be in my life and are being patient with me, letting me be real & raw and waiting gently on me while I heal and move from that in-between. 

"The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you." 

Open Letter to People Who Are "Different"

Dear People Who Are "Different," 

My life is full of the same lesson over and over again. In the beginning there was a sense of shame for not being like the rest. At first it was because I was adopted and then the list just went on and on. No, I do not speak Spanish even though people think I should because of the color of my skin. {Yeah, people actually have been angry that I don't and made horrible comments about it.}

For a while I played into the "game" of fitting in. I was a cheerleader for 6 years, after all. I didn't try my best in my classes and thought being more concerned with my social life and boyfriends was the answer. I look back and realize that I wish I'd been BETTER to my classmates and more supportive of those that were "different" than me. 

Then, in college, something crazy happened. I realized that I was really good at working with computers. It sort of came naturally. I walked into my first college programming class.  There I was "miss cheerleader" with a class full of Steve Job's wannabes. For a moment, I was pretty sure I couldn't do it. Afterall, I didn't "belong" in this group.  I convinced myself I was only good at the cheerleader thing and all that came with it. I mean THAT wasn't the person I was. 

It was then that I realized I had a decision. I could continue catering to what others said about me or I could decide to run MY OWN RACE and keep going.  2 years later, I had several computer programming classes under my belt and a list of hands-on computer projects I completed for real businesses. 

13 years later, I watched as my son began his battle with leukemia. I learned a whole new level of being "different" in that moment. I watched as people of all ages would stare at his bald head and his N95 mask. And again, I learned a new level of compassion for people like him. 

A year ago Avery came home from school and told me a little story: 

"Mama, today at the playground I was swinging and  _____ came up to me and said "If you want to be popular, you have to cheer with us." "

"What did you say, Avery?"

"I told them I don't care anything about being popular. I just want to swing."

You see, my point is THIS. There will ALWAYS be people judging you and labeling you. There will always be people who only know a critical voice. 

The only label that is important is the label you give yourself. The most important thing is what YOU believe about yourself, not them. You were made for such a time as this - whatever THIS is in your moment. 

This past weekend Avery stepped out and did something that isn't considered "popular." I saw, firsthand, how hard that cast & crew of 60+  worked and since I was the taxi, their long hours were also my long hours. 

As I sat in the audience of their last performance yesterday, I was greatly disappointed by the loud talking and laughter and criticism around me. I, as a parent, was offended that behavior like that is "ok." The teacher in me was disappointed that respectful audience participation wasn't taught. 

But even in my disappointment, I had such pride in everyone of those kids. They kept going and kept going in confidence. {On with the show, as they say} THEY have re-inspired me to remember all the lessons I've already learned. 

◦ Being critical or mean says more about YOU than it says about those you're criticizing. 

◦ Finding the 1% you have to offer that no one else can will elevate you higher than you'll ever know. 

◦ It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think YOURS is the ONLY path. (Paul Coelho)

◦ Being part of something bigger than yourself is really what life is about.  

◦ Being popular isn't going to do as much for you as you think it will. 

...and so as you continue to grow older remember what Avery says, "Just SWING and do your thing." :) 


xoxox

When You're Gone

I've been taking a break from almost all things these days that do not increase my faith or give me joy. I've been trusting the process even though I do not understand it. I'm committed to the unraveling. Based on my experience, God's unraveling ends in the most beautiful, breathtaking redemption ever. {right?!}

A friend emailed me today to ask if I was still around. 
My answer "Still swimming over here with God's hand underneath me not allowing me to drown." 

True story. He {like always} is my anchor in this storm. 

I'm learning a WHOLE lot about life these days. I use to pray for wisdom, but more recently, I just pray for guidance and discernment. 

There are SO many things on my plate right now in addition to #superJace and chemo. 

I can't help but think about the decisions that were made prior to these days. The days when I try to make sense of the "mess." {oh, yes. I know God WILL turn it into an amazing MESSage}
I've been reading a "heart-punch" book called THE BEST YES  {Thanks for the recommendation @hastobepretty!}

Let me just tell you. It's not an accident I'm reading this book  during this exact time. Making decisions isn't easy. Making decisions during grief is very painful. Making multiple decisions with little to no information while grieving is overwhelmingly painful. This book speaks to me every single time I begin reading and it's helping me find a way right now. 

So, I wanted to write about these decisions and give you a child's perspective because the season has jolted me to realize the importance of our decisions. 

Leaving your kids is not something people like sit and ponder on and I think it's probably a very painful thing to talk about but as I pray for the lesson in this season of my life, this is one of the lessons. 

What legacy are you leaving your kids when you are gone? 

Unfortunately most of my relationship with my mom was watching, listening, and learning what NOT to do. We thought differently, we responded differently, we made decisions differently, we thought of health differently, we did relationships differently, we parented differently....

So, as I sit here in my late thirties looking at all of the decisions laying before me, I cannot help but wonder if it all would've been different if she would've just truly thought about all that she was leaving us. If she would've decided one day that despite the pain, the discussion was necessary and just might make our grieving easier. 

From the time I can remember, my life was filled with stuff. In the beginning, after my brother died, it was a way for her to connect with me. I grew up never wanting or needing anything, because it was always there. I'm pretty sure from the outside it all looked blissful . But after watching my mom during her last day and now trying to sort out the mess {because if you were sitting in front of me now and I told you all the details, you'd say it was a BIG mess}, I wish I would've pressed her harder, though painful, to make some of those decisions with me/us. 

See, the stuff doesn't matter. Sure it mattered years ago. The houses, the land, the trips, the cars, the clothes.... 

But I can tell you today it doesn't matter. Not one bit. She couldn't take any of the stuff with her. I can't manage all the stuff and I'm finding it hard to even find time off to sort through the stuff that I might want to cherish.

 We didn't know I would be mothering a child battling cancer when my own mother died.

We didn't know just how bad my dad's Alzheimer's was because even when we would ask or suggest help we would get angry reactions. 

We didn't know {and still aren't sure} how to help my brother just live and survive because when we would ask for information we needed to know, we were shut off.  

Here's the deal. There is a healthy way to approach all of this. I did not get to experience this with my own parents. There was so much I didn't know and new things I'm learning everyday. 

Some days I get angry for being left with all of it and having no clue about anything. But most days I am reminded of the lesson. 

Every decision you make will either propel you and leave a lasting, loving legacy or those decisions will make you fearful and strangle that legacy. 

Every decision I make is the legacy I leave these sweet faces. Those decisions WILL affect them no matter how old they are when we have to say goodbye. 

I urge anyone out there, who might be avoiding the discussion with their family to please remember that in the end, your loved ones will grieve easier if you've helped them to know what your wishes are, what needs to happen when you are gone, who gets what, who goes where. . . 

Most often the hardest things to decide will determine our direction and our direction will determine the legacy we leave. 

2015 Manifesto

Manifesto comes from the latin word "manifestus" which means obvious or to make public. 

I've been on quite a journey the last few years and the older I get the more I feel like I need to learn which is quite the opposite of what I thought at 25. {who's with me?}

My 2015 Manifesto is quite obvious to all of us, but very few can follow through. I feel as though I've been, personally, learning these things here and there for the last few years, but for 2015 

I've decided they will be my target goal for every breath that I take. I think that part of what led me here was the "detox" I've been going through since October. 

Right after my mom died I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with grief, sadness, sorrow, responsibility. . . In addition to that, I was overwhelmed by the new role of making decisions for my dad and guiding my brother. Something about those moments led me to take a Facebook detox. Don't get me wrong I've always been a fan of social media and think it's a wonderful way to connect, but I also think it's a horrible way to consume a lot of time and take away joy from seeing what everyone else is "doing." 

It's been a few months and I've practiced the habit of posting very few updates, very few comments, and being less "like" happy. I've been more intentional of the way I'm spending my time. I left some groups that weren't enhancing my experience and turned off all notifications for all groups and pages. I muted some people from my timeline and deleted others completely. 

That detox taught me that I am in control of my time. I must be intentional about even something as trivial as social media. And if I should be intentional about something so menial, then I should REALLY be intentional about the things that truly matter to me: relationships, reading, writing, finances, family, health, connecting with God. 

It taught me that in order to guard my heart I need to guard what I see and hear. And let's be honest. Much of what we see or hear on Facebook or other social media outlets isn't always the BEST for us. {Is it bad? Maybe not. Is it good? Maybe. But is it the BEST?} 

It taught me to be who I am despite what the world says I should be. It taught me that if I spent less time wasted I would have more time to spend on the things that bring me passion. It has taught me that I probably need to speak less in order to HEAR HIM more. 

If I am wise about my intent I will pray more, love more, believe more and find my thankfulness even on the worst days. 

So, here's my public declaration for 2015. What about you? Do you have goals you're working toward for the new year? Do you write them down? Would love to hear how you'll be shaping your next level, so comment or email me! 

Why a Facebook Detox is Necessary

So about a month ago I decided it was time for a Facebook break. Again. This is like the 10th time I've come to this conclusion since 2008. I just get fed up. There's always so much noise in my head anyway and with all of the content, groups, and notifications sometimes it's just too much. Plus, (PLUS), I manage and admin a few pages. I'm pretty sure I don't want to calculate up how much time I've spent on all of that. {embarrassing}

Every time I meet someone who tells me "I'm not on Facebook," I sort of step back and think how smart they are secretly! Something about being "off the grid" is intriguing and after the last few years, I'm all for stepping back and evaluating what things actually bring joy to my life. 

So this time, my goal for my MIA status on Facebook is longer than just a month. My first goal was just through the holidays, but now that it's been over a month I'm thinking I should shoot for longer!  

Besides checking the pages I admin and my messages, I don't know what's going on with anyone but myself and right now that's really helping me focus on what I'm doing. 

Here are some things I've learned: 

You need more time. Facebook is stealing it. Trust me. Once you start scrolling through that feed and get sidetracked by this personality quiz or that "interesting-but-possibly-fake news story," it's hard to look away. They have a hundred and one ways to take away your time and your sense of identity. Since I've been off of Facebook, specifically, I've read about 6 books, spent more time with my family doing puzzles, crafts, cooking together or just hanging out. 

Knowing every status a person makes doesn't make you better friends. And vice versa. I am "friends" with roughly 800 people, plus about 40 are following me (seeing all of my public posts most likely because of Jace) Some people I'm friends with and have seen in public, but even after making eye contact and smiling they keep walking. {why are we friends again?} Some people I know just from Facebook, but if I were to see them in real life walking down the cereal aisle at the local grocery store they would probably think I'm rude, because I don't recognize them! 

The things you want to see are being hidden from you by the algorithms (a fancy word for THEY ARE CONTROLLING YOUR EXPERIENCE). I swear I miss some of the most important goings-on from my most favorite friends because Facebook doesn't think I want to see them. And the pages I actually like and want to hear from often, nope. Those pages are out the window and replaced by the pages who've PAID for me to see them more often. I just can't. So I'm now making a point to be intentional with the people I see on a daily basis. I can control that experience and connect on a more personal level. 

Here's more about this philosophy from Forbes:  http://www.forbes.com/sites/anthonykosner/2013/03/06/how-facebooks-empire-of-opacity-is-hiding-posts-you-want-to-see/

You need less of them and more of you. I'm convinced that Facebook is the worst of the social media giants. Not only are they controlling what you see but it also creates a space for you to focus more on other people and less on you, your family, your dreams, and your spirit. Is it just me or is that the biggest problem ever? 

But, really, trust me, the trouble is we all think we have enough time. 

"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." ~ James 4:14

And this is why Instagram is my jam right now......low maintenance, photos only. 

4 Reasons TimeHop Heals Me

If you're not what you'd call "tech savvy," then you probably haven't heard of the app Time Hop. (iOS version; Android version) 

It's a cute, little free app for your phone that will remind you what you were doing 1 year ago today. Depending on how long you've been using social media and which platforms you were posting to, it also has the ability to tell you what you were doing 2 years ago, 3 years ago and so on. 

Basically, you enter your Facebook, Twitter and/or Instagram usernames and passwords and Time Hop pulls from those feeds in order to show you your very own "This Day in History." 

Now, if you've been reading my blog for any amount of time you know I've been struggling a lot lately. Death and cancer have tried to invade my life and my happiness. Some days are more difficult than others, but, usually, everyday some of my best moments come from looking back at my time hop feed and seeing what I was doing in years past at this time. 

4 Reasons TimeHop Heals Me: 

1. It reminds me of all that I've been given. There's nothing like having a low moment and scrolling through the day's time hop to see sweet faces of my kids when they were babies or being reminded of the love Jason and I share and all the times we've spent together.  Time hop reminds me of God's miracles as I re-watch #superJace and his cancer journey each day. 

2. It shows me what I believe. My favorite pastor always says "What you believe is more important than what anyone will ever tell you." I've been a "gratitude girl" for a very long time and faithful for a lot longer. No matter how many times I get knocked down it's always been my tendency to pop back up stronger and wiser. If I ever forget, time hop is always there to show me what I stand for and what I believe. 

3. It teaches me that where I am now isn't where I'm going to stay. The last 2 years have been looooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggg and even that is an understatement. There have been many days that I've felt stuck (like last blog post) and felt like this place is the only place I'll ever be. And yet, time hop sweetly teaches me that This Too Shall Pass is a life truth we shouldn't forget. 

4. It prompts me to live in the moment. Life is short. We aren't promised tomorrow. Do the things you can and take on the opportunities given to you. As I look back on each day's feed, I see the legacy I'm leaving and living. I see the family I'm growing and the traditions we are forming. I see the faith and the values we are instilling. It's sort of like Time Hop has allowed me to see my own life in motion and reminds me of what I truly hold important. 

=

Where God Has Me

Lord, piece me back together again with your unfailing love. 


I'm struggling a lot with where God has me right now. I sometimes don't realize the crushing impact of all that's happened the past 2 years (or my whole life for that matter) until I, verbally, have to give some stranger the cliff note's version of my life: 

"...cancer....2 years of treatment down....2 more to go....
...lost my mom last month.....dad had to be put in a facility for Alzheimer's a few days later because he was missing for a short time...
....brother is living with a new guardian one state over....."

I see people that I knew, friends who were in this technology world of mine and see how they've grown in their profession and career. I see people that I know that are meeting so many of their writing goals, or goals to start up that non-profit dream of theirs. 

And here I sit. 

Still. 

Just being here. 

Because God's interruptions in my life have been above and beyond. 


And all I see are pieces of my broken heart staring back at me from the floor. 


No, I'm not trying to be strong for anyone. (Ask those closest to me.)
 
No, I don't think I'm the only one who's gone through these things nor will I be the last. 

No, I don't have any regrets. 

No, I'm not always consumed by the pain and struggle. 

I am needing A LOT more time alone to grieve, reflect, sort, and pray. I need more time than I ever expected. Right now, God is the only one who can speak to me or who can put up with me. Truth. 

I know everyone goes on auto pilot and says whatever cliche' phrase they have at that moment because they don't know what else to say: 

"I'm praying for you." 

"God loves you." 

"He's working through you in this season." 

"Bigger things are in store." 

"Satan is just trying to throw you off." 

"You are strong." 

"This too shall pass."

"Sorry for your loss." 

"It's just a season." 

At this point, you know I've heard it ALL and I'm kind of done. I know all of that. I believe all of that. I just can't get there yet, you know?

I'm still having difficulty even responding to text messages. I have at least 10 that are on my phone from sweet friends checking up on me, sending me love and prayers. This is definitely a test for them, too, I'm sure. It's not easy being my friend these days. I hope they aren't taking it personally because it really isn't. I just sort of have nothing to say.......at least not in my usual spunky sort of way.

Thursday, I, truly, didn't think I'd be able to make it to work. The day before sort of crumbled on top of me in the middle of a long run. 

At the end of the day, no matter what, I'm still in charge of A LOT of people and A LOT of decisions. 

I'm still in the search for an attorney to help me with paperwork for our non-profit. I'm still trying to figure out what to do with certain properties and belongings and when to plan trips away from home to take care of all the things that need my attention. 

Then, on top of all of the decision-making for my dad, any small, daily life set-back just knocks me back to the ground. 

Last week it was potato soup. Yes, potato soup......that turned into mashed potatoes. It did not turn out well and let's be honest, it wasn't about the potato soup. 

*sigh*

In between the "when-is-the-next-chemo-pill" and "thank-you-for-calling-to-update-me about-my-dad," I'm learning that I do better sitting with and talking with those who are IN the arena with me: those who've been down that cancer road; those who've lost a mom; those who are in the grief right now; those who are dealing with Alzheimer's; those who are doing all of those things and are young like me. 

Granted, there are those friends that just flat out make me LAUGH and laugh HARD. They don't even know they are the ones pulling me along each day and getting me through. 

All of the heavy "life" stuff didn't take away my humorous side. Yes, I'm still sad a lot of the time, but anytime I come across someone being snarky, it just makes me laugh-from-my-belly hard. 

I know many of you read here and don't comment. So, I know I'm not just talking to myself. (I'm at least hoping so)

I'm learning that no matter what your relationship with a parent was/is once they are gone every stage of grief is fair game. 

I'm learning that it's very hard to concentrate on the gratitudes and joys even when you're aware of them, especially in the middle of the grief-fog. (we are on day 35 of the #40daysofthanks challenge)

I'm learning that I have to be patient with myself and REALLY patient with others. 

I'm learning that you can be hard-pressed on every side, literally. 

I'm learning that grief is a part of life in so many ways and that just like all things in life you have no control over that process. 

I'm learning that stepping back from social media is good medicine for the soul. 

I'm learning that no matter what season I'm thrown into I can still be authentic about it all. 

I'm learning that my conversations with God aren't always rainbows and happiness and He doesn't expect them to be. 

I'm learning more about what He expects from me and, in the end, that is really all that matters because He has me exactly where He needs me.