In Between

I use to wonder where people went after something (usually "bad") happened in their lives. I remember corresponding and connecting with them often and then they sort of just fell away (mostly on social media) whether it was a divorce, loss of a loved one, or illness. I always said a prayer for them because I knew at an early age how those "bad" things can isolate you. 

Now I'm "that" person. I've distanced myself from a lot of things I never thought I would. I've become very selective with what I do and who I share things with. This is definitely not the person I was before Jace was sick or even really before my mom died. 

I was listening to the radio the other day and like many of the daily devotionals on Air 1 this particular thought really hit me. 

{paraphrasing} Sometimes God has you go through pain because not only do you draw nearer to Him, but because people pull nearer to you during that time. Your story could be helping them and you don't even know it. 

So often I hear "people just want to follow and hear your story." Even today, a very sweet, funny friend gave me the perspective I so needed. I am always very puzzled why people that I do not know or who rarely talk to me want to friend me on social media, mostly Facebook. She said, "People want to befriend you, follow you, read your posts, read about your journey because even if they don't say it, they can relate to you or are learning from you."

It's very hard for me to see myself the way others see me and even more difficult to see myself the way God sees me. It's truly a constant tug of war for me. I don't think I'm necessarily being strong in this moment in time. I feel more weak than I ever have. I feel more vulnerable and less trusting of others. I see my faults magnified. I don't think I have a lot to offer right now to anyone much less what it takes to really inspire people. 

I've struggled a lot with what I share about my family of origin recently. It seems I have no problem talking about my experience with Jace and childhood cancer and how that's changed our family, but because my family of origin has so much history, much of it painful, I'm very selective on what I talk about. I know one day that will evolve and I'll be able to talk more about it and hopefully help others who've gone through a similar situation.  

Now that I'm in that in-between place of grief and healing, I totally get where those other people went. They are in a state of healing. They are learning their new normal. They are trying to make sense of all that went wrong and how it will all be right again. They are navigating who to trust and how to live again. They are relearning what they love and even how to love. They are growing into the people that God meant for them to be. 

So, thank you to those of you who are truly meant to be in my life and are being patient with me, letting me be real & raw and waiting gently on me while I heal and move from that in-between. 

"The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you." 

Fly

I'm not enough. 
I'm not worthy. 
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not skinny enough. 
I'm not rich enough. 
I'm not valuable. 
I'm not significant. 
I'm not good enough. 
I'm not polished enough. 


Last week, I had to do something that re-opened a wound that I still have difficulty letting go of after many, many, many years. This wound has a way of taking me to the root of all of my pain and rehashing it all out over and over. By the time the week was over, I was unsure of everything I knew.  

Because Sunday started my week off in pain, I had difficulty just getting through the week. 

Getting up and getting motivated was hard. Wednesday was especially hard. This leukemia journey with Jace is long. There's not much else to say. To everyone he looks great. He has his hair back and runs with boundless energy. This IS a victory. 

As we drove home Sunday afternoon, we listened to a sermon that spoke directly to me. 

Everyone knows the story of David and Goliath. Everyone knows it ends in Victory. But not everyone knows about "the grind" behind the story. 

David is hands-down my favorite character in the Bible. He wasn't perfect, but he was raw, honest, deep and faithful. I love his acute awareness for God and his need for God in his life. 

Monday, I started the week feeling tired of the grind and ready to just give up. 

The week didn't get easier, but by Thursday my sweet husband had paid for me to go to our church's women's conference. I, truthfully, had to force myself to go. I was not in the mood for much of anything, but I sat as a woman talked to me about patience as God places us in an environment to receive what God will give us. 

Patience. 

OK, God. I'm listening. 

The next night I sat as a women repeated me to me all of the things I had been telling myself. All of the first things you read when you first opened this entry. 

She immediately pointed us to Galatians 6:3. 

Boom. In your face, Tisha. 

"If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves."

For weeks, I've been discouraged and tired of sharing my/our story. I'm out of words. I don't feel worthy enough to share. I don't feel polished enough to speak to people about it. I'm tired of "being inspiring." I've been on my knees begging for a break from "the grind." 

And then I heard an angel (who is also named Natalie) speak directly to me: "Share your story. Speak your truth. You were saved to save. You were blessed to bless. You were loved to love. There are people only you can reach." 

Boom. Again. 

Ok, God. I'm willing. I will stop deceiving myself. I will look past myself in order to go out in the world and grab what you have for me. I hear You.

The grind is tiring. The grind isn't easy. It's always harder when you get deep into the middle of it all. It never looks that hard when you start out and it always looks easier to those watching you.  I'm not trying to be inspiring most days. I'm just trying to get up and be sure the kids are taken care of and that we all eat and get enough sleep. My faith is solid, but just because of that doesn't mean I'm signed up for an easy life. 

Seven days ago I was in a much different place than I am in today. 

I'm listening. I'm stepping aside to let God in my boat because even if it's sinking, HE is there to carry me above the waves. 


I'm leaning into willingness. 
I'm leaning into prayer. 
I'm leaning into the word. 
I'm leaning into gratitude. 
I'm leaning into forgiveness. 
I'm leaning into praise. 
I'm leaning into His grace. 
I'm leaning into His love. 

I'm dropping all of the deceiving things I've been telling myself right at the feet of Jesus. He doesn't want me carrying those things around anyway. He didn't create me to be those things. He wants me just as I am. He wants me to embrace me so that I can fly the way He always intended. 

xoxox

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