I'm sure at some point I'm going to offend someone with my writing here. This blog could be it. {Meh. It's my blog anyway.} Many of you know that I did something pretty difficult the past week. I let my circle of trust know and as always they were supportive and understanding. Those in that circle were chosen a long time ago when Jace first got sick, but I learned how powerful the concept was while I was going through my divorce. Not everyone needs to know every detail of your struggle. Not everyone will be compassionate. Not everyone will know what not to say. Not everyone will care.
My circle of trust doesn't try to inspire me or give me advice or lecture me on what I should or shouldn't do or feel. They just ask how to pray, check up on me, and love me through it all. {they also pour me coffee} I know I'm the so-called queen of the "feel good messages." I've been reading through past posts from several years ago and even I get annoyed at myself and my gratitude some days. I get it. It's great and life-changing to be positive and grateful and joyous. I know that is what we are called to do, but when people are hurting sometimes they just want you to get on your knees with them and say, "Yeah. Life sure can suck." Since Jace started chemo, I often think of Mary and how she felt watching her son die a slow, brutal, and difficult death. Even though she knew this was how it was suppose to play out that did not make it any easier on her heart, I'm sure of it. In 2013, there was a day when I was fearful of losing my own son. In 2014, I lost my mom much earlier than I expected. In 2015, well, let's just say it's already looking to be another painful year after a recent visit with my dad. Do I trust that God's plan is bigger than my life? Yes Do I know that His promises will come to pass? Yes Do I know that I'm redeemed already? Yes Do I need to only hear the good, the promises, and how God doesn't waste pain? {my own words} No. In my hurting and grieving, I need people to recognize that even in the promises life can SUCK. I know people don't like that word. I don't like it either. But I'm going to be very honest. If you know the details of my story and all the nooks and crannies of complication that have come about in the last several months, then you know I'm not exaggerating or asking for pity. Some days I think I'm the brunt of satan's biggest joke and he's just waiting for me to give up. {I'm not.} Instead of pretending our lives are always happy, great and inspirational, I wanna see authenticity, genuine feeling and compassion and the ability to recognize that it's ok for life to be hard. It's very hard for me to listen to PERSON A tell me an inspirational message when they never show they are struggling and are in the business of masking their hardest days. Life is perfect or so they want me to believe. I want to hear from PERSON B who has been in the depths of the valley and admits life is a struggle and isn't always sunshine and rainbows. I want to surround myself with those who have the ability to recognize: "this is hard," I can barely breathe through this day," or "today seems to be against me on all sides." I am Person B. These things I'm having to sort out, the feelings I'm having to deal with, the loss I'm continually seeing is hard and some days I'm not sure I'll make it through. And I'm ok saying that.
So about a month ago I decided it was time for a Facebook break. Again. This is like the 10th time I've come to this conclusion since 2008. I just get fed up. There's always so much noise in my head anyway and with all of the content, groups, and notifications sometimes it's just too much. Plus, (PLUS), I manage and admin a few pages. I'm pretty sure I don't want to calculate up how much time I've spent on all of that. {embarrassing} Every time I meet someone who tells me "I'm not on Facebook," I sort of step back and think how smart they are secretly! Something about being "off the grid" is intriguing and after the last few years, I'm all for stepping back and evaluating what things actually bring joy to my life. So this time, my goal for my MIA status on Facebook is longer than just a month. My first goal was just through the holidays, but now that it's been over a month I'm thinking I should shoot for longer! Besides checking the pages I admin and my messages, I don't know what's going on with anyone but myself and right now that's really helping me focus on what I'm doing.
Here are some things I've learned: You need more time. Facebook is stealing it. Trust me. Once you start scrolling through that feed and get sidetracked by this personality quiz or that "interesting-but-possibly-fake news story," it's hard to look away. They have a hundred and one ways to take away your time and your sense of identity. Since I've been off of Facebook, specifically, I've read about 6 books, spent more time with my family doing puzzles, crafts, cooking together or just hanging out. Knowing every status a person makes doesn't make you better friends. And vice versa. I am "friends" with roughly 800 people, plus about 40 are following me (seeing all of my public posts most likely because of Jace) Some people I'm friends with and have seen in public, but even after making eye contact and smiling they keep walking. {why are we friends again?} Some people I know just from Facebook, but if I were to see them in real life walking down the cereal aisle at the local grocery store they would probably think I'm rude, because I don't recognize them! The things you want to see are being hidden from you by the algorithms (a fancy word for THEY ARE CONTROLLING YOUR EXPERIENCE). I swear I miss some of the most important goings-on from my most favorite friends because Facebook doesn't think I want to see them. And the pages I actually like and want to hear from often, nope. Those pages are out the window and replaced by the pages who've PAID for me to see them more often. I just can't. So I'm now making a point to be intentional with the people I see on a daily basis. I can control that experience and connect on a more personal level. Here's more about this philosophy from Forbes: http://www.forbes.com/sites/anthonykosner/2013/03/06/how-facebooks-empire-of-opacity-is-hiding-posts-you-want-to-see/ You need less of them and more of you. I'm convinced that Facebook is the worst of the social media giants. Not only are they controlling what you see but it also creates a space for you to focus more on other people and less on you, your family, your dreams, and your spirit. Is it just me or is that the biggest problem ever?
But, really, trust me, the trouble is we all think we have enough time. "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." ~ James 4:14 And this is why Instagram is my jam right now......low maintenance, photos only.
Lord, piece me back together again with your unfailing love.
I'm struggling a lot with where God has me right now. I sometimes don't realize the crushing impact of all that's happened the past 2 years (or my whole life for that matter) until I, verbally, have to give some stranger the cliff note's version of my life:
"...cancer....2 years of treatment down....2 more to go.... ...lost my mom last month.....dad had to be put in a facility for Alzheimer's a few days later because he was missing for a short time... ....brother is living with a new guardian one state over....."
I see people that I knew, friends who were in this technology world of mine and see how they've grown in their profession and career. I see people that I know that are meeting so many of their writing goals, or goals to start up that non-profit dream of theirs.
And here I sit.
Still.
Just being here.
Because God's interruptions in my life have been above and beyond.
And all I see are pieces of my broken heart staring back at me from the floor.
No, I'm not trying to be strong for anyone. (Ask those closest to me.) No, I don't think I'm the only one who's gone through these things nor will I be the last. No, I don't have any regrets. No, I'm not always consumed by the pain and struggle.
I am needing A LOT more time alone to grieve, reflect, sort, and pray. I need more time than I ever expected. Right now, God is the only one who can speak to me or who can put up with me. Truth. I know everyone goes on auto pilot and says whatever cliche' phrase they have at that moment because they don't know what else to say: "I'm praying for you." "God loves you."
"He's working through you in this season." "Bigger things are in store." "Satan is just trying to throw you off." "You are strong." "This too shall pass." "Sorry for your loss."
"It's just a season." At this point, you know I've heard it ALL and I'm kind of done. I know all of that. I believe all of that. I just can't get there yet, you know? I'm still having difficulty even responding to text messages. I have at least 10 that are on my phone from sweet friends checking up on me, sending me love and prayers. This is definitely a test for them, too, I'm sure. It's not easy being my friend these days. I hope they aren't taking it personally because it really isn't. I just sort of have nothing to say.......at least not in my usual spunky sort of way. Thursday, I, truly, didn't think I'd be able to make it to work. The day before sort of crumbled on top of me in the middle of a long run. At the end of the day, no matter what, I'm still in charge of A LOT of people and A LOT of decisions. I'm still in the search for an attorney to help me with paperwork for our non-profit. I'm still trying to figure out what to do with certain properties and belongings and when to plan trips away from home to take care of all the things that need my attention. Then, on top of all of the decision-making for my dad, any small, daily life set-back just knocks me back to the ground. Last week it was potato soup. Yes, potato soup......that turned into mashed potatoes. It did not turn out well and let's be honest, it wasn't about the potato soup. *sigh* In between the "when-is-the-next-chemo-pill" and "thank-you-for-calling-to-update-me about-my-dad," I'm learning that I do better sitting with and talking with those who are IN the arena with me: those who've been down that cancer road; those who've lost a mom; those who are in the grief right now; those who are dealing with Alzheimer's; those who are doing all of those things and are young like me.
Granted, there are those friends that just flat out make me LAUGH and laugh HARD. They don't even know they are the ones pulling me along each day and getting me through.
All of the heavy "life" stuff didn't take away my humorous side. Yes, I'm still sad a lot of the time, but anytime I come across someone being snarky, it just makes me laugh-from-my-belly hard.
I know many of you read here and don't comment. So, I know I'm not just talking to myself. (I'm at least hoping so)
I'm learning that no matter what your relationship with a parent was/is once they are gone every stage of grief is fair game. I'm learning that it's very hard to concentrate on the gratitudes and joys even when you're aware of them, especially in the middle of the grief-fog. (we are on day 35 of the #40daysofthanks challenge) I'm learning that I have to be patient with myself and REALLY patient with others. I'm learning that you can be hard-pressed on every side, literally. I'm learning that grief is a part of life in so many ways and that just like all things in life you have no control over that process. I'm learning that stepping back from social media is good medicine for the soul. I'm learning that no matter what season I'm thrown into I can still be authentic about it all. I'm learning that my conversations with God aren't always rainbows and happiness and He doesn't expect them to be. I'm learning more about what He expects from me and, in the end, that is really all that matters because He has me exactly where He needs me.
