Where God Has Me

Lord, piece me back together again with your unfailing love. 


I'm struggling a lot with where God has me right now. I sometimes don't realize the crushing impact of all that's happened the past 2 years (or my whole life for that matter) until I, verbally, have to give some stranger the cliff note's version of my life: 

"...cancer....2 years of treatment down....2 more to go....
...lost my mom last month.....dad had to be put in a facility for Alzheimer's a few days later because he was missing for a short time...
....brother is living with a new guardian one state over....."

I see people that I knew, friends who were in this technology world of mine and see how they've grown in their profession and career. I see people that I know that are meeting so many of their writing goals, or goals to start up that non-profit dream of theirs. 

And here I sit. 

Still. 

Just being here. 

Because God's interruptions in my life have been above and beyond. 


And all I see are pieces of my broken heart staring back at me from the floor. 


No, I'm not trying to be strong for anyone. (Ask those closest to me.)
 
No, I don't think I'm the only one who's gone through these things nor will I be the last. 

No, I don't have any regrets. 

No, I'm not always consumed by the pain and struggle. 

I am needing A LOT more time alone to grieve, reflect, sort, and pray. I need more time than I ever expected. Right now, God is the only one who can speak to me or who can put up with me. Truth. 

I know everyone goes on auto pilot and says whatever cliche' phrase they have at that moment because they don't know what else to say: 

"I'm praying for you." 

"God loves you." 

"He's working through you in this season." 

"Bigger things are in store." 

"Satan is just trying to throw you off." 

"You are strong." 

"This too shall pass."

"Sorry for your loss." 

"It's just a season." 

At this point, you know I've heard it ALL and I'm kind of done. I know all of that. I believe all of that. I just can't get there yet, you know?

I'm still having difficulty even responding to text messages. I have at least 10 that are on my phone from sweet friends checking up on me, sending me love and prayers. This is definitely a test for them, too, I'm sure. It's not easy being my friend these days. I hope they aren't taking it personally because it really isn't. I just sort of have nothing to say.......at least not in my usual spunky sort of way.

Thursday, I, truly, didn't think I'd be able to make it to work. The day before sort of crumbled on top of me in the middle of a long run. 

At the end of the day, no matter what, I'm still in charge of A LOT of people and A LOT of decisions. 

I'm still in the search for an attorney to help me with paperwork for our non-profit. I'm still trying to figure out what to do with certain properties and belongings and when to plan trips away from home to take care of all the things that need my attention. 

Then, on top of all of the decision-making for my dad, any small, daily life set-back just knocks me back to the ground. 

Last week it was potato soup. Yes, potato soup......that turned into mashed potatoes. It did not turn out well and let's be honest, it wasn't about the potato soup. 

*sigh*

In between the "when-is-the-next-chemo-pill" and "thank-you-for-calling-to-update-me about-my-dad," I'm learning that I do better sitting with and talking with those who are IN the arena with me: those who've been down that cancer road; those who've lost a mom; those who are in the grief right now; those who are dealing with Alzheimer's; those who are doing all of those things and are young like me. 

Granted, there are those friends that just flat out make me LAUGH and laugh HARD. They don't even know they are the ones pulling me along each day and getting me through. 

All of the heavy "life" stuff didn't take away my humorous side. Yes, I'm still sad a lot of the time, but anytime I come across someone being snarky, it just makes me laugh-from-my-belly hard. 

I know many of you read here and don't comment. So, I know I'm not just talking to myself. (I'm at least hoping so)

I'm learning that no matter what your relationship with a parent was/is once they are gone every stage of grief is fair game. 

I'm learning that it's very hard to concentrate on the gratitudes and joys even when you're aware of them, especially in the middle of the grief-fog. (we are on day 35 of the #40daysofthanks challenge)

I'm learning that I have to be patient with myself and REALLY patient with others. 

I'm learning that you can be hard-pressed on every side, literally. 

I'm learning that grief is a part of life in so many ways and that just like all things in life you have no control over that process. 

I'm learning that stepping back from social media is good medicine for the soul. 

I'm learning that no matter what season I'm thrown into I can still be authentic about it all. 

I'm learning that my conversations with God aren't always rainbows and happiness and He doesn't expect them to be. 

I'm learning more about what He expects from me and, in the end, that is really all that matters because He has me exactly where He needs me. 

Embrace the Unraveling

I sat in my closet with a single Christmas cookie, giant glass of water, scissors, tape, wrapping paper, and the last few presents in need of wrapping. 

David Lantz's "The First Noel" played from my phone. 

It was only the first full day of no social media and already I felt FULL of more life and joy than in months prior. 

I realized after a quick visit to the dollar store that this challenge was allowing God to make my interactions with others more intentional and divine. 

At first, I hid on the back aisles fearing I'd have an up-close view of the loud voices complaining about trivial things. I only went for one item yet walked out 40 minutes later. 

As I found my chance to dart for the door, I spotted her and she spotted me. We made eye contact. I knew she knew how I felt for she was going through a very similar experience. Turns out she had been on the back aisles minutes before hearing someone else complain. Our interaction that day was God sent for both of us. Finding people who really can identify with the emotions, the fears, the anxieties, life smallest joys.....Priceless. 

Before we parted ways, I re-quoted a quote from my favorite non-profit, Peach's Neet Feet: 

"Embrace the Unraveling."

Yes, THAT is what I've learned from 2013. 

No matter how bad things were or how hard the days were to get through, I know that the only thing in my control was my response. I could either be grateful despite it all or bitter despite it all. 

"Embrace the Unraveling."

As I sat in the closet, I realized I was being more intentional with my interactions, more genuine with my words, and more disciplined with my time. 

Here's what I can tell you: 

It wasn't easy the first week. 
I'm still checking messages on our FB pages and posting #superJace updates. 
I have no idea what anyone else is doing and I'm ok with that. 
I've read 4 books. Yep. FOUR. And almost finished with my 5th. 
I've painted furniture! 
I've called and talked to people just to talk. 
I've had some mind-blowing thoughts, yet saved them for myself instead of the world. 
I've learned to sit and just listen to whatever is happening around me: drum beats, dollhouse pretend play, football games, music, the dishwasher, crackling fire, the wind, or nothing at all. 
I don't have to post where I am on every outing accompanied by a photo or a selfie. 
I cooked and cooked and cooked for fun. 
I wrote in my journal. 
Organized items for Operation Love. 
Jason and I talked more. 
I played dolls and drums and watched Disney movies the kids picked out. 


Not only does my family have my undivided attention, but, most importantly, God does. And I can tell you that He's already placed new things on my heart to grow through. He's teaching me, molding me and leading me. 

I'm more in His presence because I'm allowing Him to be more in mine. 

I had to take a break from the world. The last year was one of the biggest seasons of my life and it's only fair that I take time to reflect and learn from it so I can move forward with more strength than ever. :)  

Wishing you lots of love, gratitude, and favor for your 2014! 

xoxoxo

For His Glory

You never expect to hear words that will forever change your life, but we all have them said to us at different times and for different reasons. 

In the wee hours Sunday morning, we learned that our sweet almost 3 year old has leukemia. 

If you know me, or this blog, you know I believe in gratitude and just as much I believe in prayer and in God's healing power. 

Many times we do not understand the "why," but even in hindsight of my own life, I know that He works ALL situations for GOOD. He can take ANY SITUATION around and turn it into an amazing thing. 

I praise him always and in ALL WAYS. Even now when I find myself in an unknown place. 

I know I'm not alone. I know that God will use this situation, as well, to show HIS GLORY and HIS MIRACLES. 

Our job is always to BELIEVE, so that's what I'm doing. Always. 

Jace's Facebook page: Grace for Jace: www.facebook.com/graceforJace

Jace's favorite song and our new theme song: 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpPZn7sjBfw

Jace's Caring Bridge site: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jaceponcio/mystory

#SUPERJACE #NOTHINGISIMPOSSIBLE

Less You, More God

Today I’m sounding off. I’ve been pretty silent in the last week. Life has been busy. December is always busy. Birthday parties to plan and throw, gifts to buy, gifts to wrap, gifts to give teachers, class parties to attend, work luncheons to contribute to and then there’s sleeping and eating, too. :) 

For me, December 14 has always been a special day. 12 years ago on that day I was sitting in the hospital during one of the biggest ice storms in the area. I spent most of my day gazing at my very first, sweet baby girl after several long hours of pain and finding out exactly what I was made of (strength). 

This year was a big year for her: middle school, school dances, a friend who’s a boy (*wink*), and her biggest sleepover in a while. It was big enough for me to take the day off from work, so I could prep the house, run to the store, and get things all set up for 6 tweens to take over. 

Mid-day, I happened to turn on the news and saw the reports out of Connecticut. At that moment I made a very set decision. I turned off the television and continued on about my day. 

“I can’t.” I said to myself. 

I could not spend the day listening to the reports,  details, and repetitive way reporters described it all. I had to be in the moment and present for my girl and her friends who would come through the door giggling and asking me to do their hair for the dance that night. “I couldn’t” because seeing those sweet precious faces only brought back my own memories of losing the special 6 year old boy in my life.

After the whirlwind of the tween party, we re-centered ourselves to go take our yearly family photos. I did not turn on the radio stations nor did I turn on the television. I stayed in the moment while we laughed and enjoyed our time together. I stayed in the moment as we had lunch together and as we all snuggled up for a nap which we all so desperately needed. 

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. He love endures forever.” ~Psalm 136: 1-26

The next day we were up early to go see Santa and have another meal together. I was present and grateful and full of thanks for each moment I’d been allowed to experience. I ran down the sidewalk with the kids, took them to the shops they pulled me into, and remembered that each moment, whether it’s what I expect or want is a gift. 

“Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going to work, and walking around life - and place it as an offering.” ~Romans 12:1-2

Sunday afternoon, when I finally had some time to sit I decided to scroll through Facebook and Twitter. 

BIG MISTAKE. 

People all over were voicing their opinions, their political stances, their fear, their doubt, their questions, reposting pictures, poems and articles. 

Maybe it’s just because I know tragedy. Maybe it’s because I saw my parents go through the painful process of losing their own child. Maybe it’s because of my own experience that I was so angry at how everyone the last week seemed to make the tragedy about them.

Everywhere I looked someone was talking about it, discussing it, debating it, or detailing the events. I guess that is human nature.  I guess it helps them cope. 

But ... I just ..... couldn’t. 

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve prayed for those families, that situation, and every single person affected by the event. I, purposefully, read the names of each sweet child & educator and prayed, specifically, for their families by name. 

 “Pray without ceasing.” ~1 Thessalonians 5:17

But I refuse to buy into everything the media throws out at me. I refuse to keep the television/radio on. I refuse to discuss it with my 7 year old just because everyone else might be and am thankful that her school didn’t decide to have discussion about it on Monday. If she asks, I always answer honestly with the least amount of details given. If she doesn’t, then who am I to take away her innocence and sense of security away? There’s enough of that going on in this world. 

I refuse to live in fear. I refuse to debate politics and gun control. I refuse to dwell on tragedy, or obsess over every article or story out there. I refuse to allow myself to be on “auto pilot”  and not take control of what I see or hear. Just because it is on or in front of me doesn’t mean my ears or eyes need to see it. 

“Be very careful, then how you live...” ~Ephesians 5:15

I’m not afraid to send my kids to school each day. I know down to my core that every single person caring for them would do everything humanly possible to keep them safe. I know that there is a hedge of protection around each of them and that no matter what happens, my God is in control, not me. 

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” ~Joshua 1:9

I, personally, know about living in fear. I, personally, know about questioning and doubting. I, also, personally know that it gets us nowhere. 

“I have told you these things so that in my you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

If we want the world to be a better place, it’s up to US to make it that sort of place. You job is to bless: 

Love more, hate less. 

Encourage more, criticize less. 

Give more, take less.

Do more, watch less. 

Pray more, complain less. 

Less YOU. More GOD. 

“Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.” ~ 1 Peter 3:8

xoxoxo
xoxo
xo
Tisha