Faith and Fear

I've been waiting a very long time to write this blog. And, though, exciting, I've been putting it off on purpose. 

In 2 1/2 weeks, Jace will take his last spinal infusion and his last infusion since 2013. 5 days later he will take his last oral chemo pills at home. The day after that he will graduate from kindergarten and the next day he's asked to be baptized. 

Needless to say, I will be more of a mess that week than I typically am on a daily basis.  {you've been warned}

It is the weirdest thing to actually be at this point and I guess today is as good as any to post this blog. 

Those of you who've been in my audience for a while know that this day {Mother's Day} has always been hard for me. I was not super close to my mom and being adopted I already felt as though I was missing a huge part of my story by not knowing my birth mother. 

Instead of being sad, I do my best to celebrate the mother I am to my own three kids. They know it's a hard day for me and they know that I don't expect any special or expensive gift or a fancy restaurant. My favorite thing is to have a day of unplanned rest and relaxation doing what I want which mostly includes sleeping in, going for a run and writing or watching movies. 

Today, I woke up to a sweet video of Super Jace in 2011  in which I was so hopeful that he would finally say "mama" and yet he continued to say "dada." It's one of my favorite videos because of his sweet voice and how carefree those days seemed to be.  

As I watched that video, I was reminded of how we never really know just how we can be jolted by life's curves and twists. I also realized it was time to share the next chapter in our cancer journey with you all. 

You see, I've been very quiet about his last chemo date. It isn't something I wanted to yell out to the world. I've been keeping the date safe within our family and pondering on what that meant exactly. I'm planning a few surprises for that day, but we wanted to keep it intimate for our family so that we can really be in the moment instead of hosting visiting friends. 

When people find out how close he is to being "finished," they are always so excited. And so I just smile. 

It is exciting. I am so excited for him to not be dictated by a medicine schedule. I am thrilled that he will get to start doing "normal" kid things that he has not previously experienced. I am relieved for what it all means for our family and the things we are able to do again. 

At the same time, only people who've walked before me know this part: It is about to be the scariest time in our lives, too. 

To recap for you: 

• Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (Jace's diagnosis) has one the longest treatment plans of all the childhood cancers. I remember the dr specifically saying to us the day he had his port put in: "This treatment will be at least 3 years long since he is boy." Girls are treated in 2 years. 
• He was in remission soon after his diagnosis and after he started the intensive chemotherapy, however, that doesn't mean he stopped his treatment plan. It must be seen through to the end. 
• He has gone through 5 phases of treatment over the course of the last 3 1/2 years: Induction, Consolidation, Interim Maintenance, Delayed Intensification, and Maintenance
• Though, he will be finished with treatment, he will still go to the dr monthly for blood tests and check ups. 
• Those visits will taper off over the course of a few years, but he will always be monitored over the course of his entire life. 
• The chance of relapse is higher the first year off of treatment. 

The next season in our journey is much like being in the ocean without a life preserver. The chemo, though, harsh and difficult on him and his body was a safety net for our minds and fears. 

Now more than ever will our faith have to diminish our fears. 

We've ran this like a marathon. It's been long and grueling and some days we just didn't think we would make it. 

When he started he was still potty training. Now, he is about to be a first grader. We often joke that even though he is the youngest in our family he is sort of like the oldest. He's experienced so much life and overcome so much in his short 6 years that he really is leading our family. 

We want to thank each and every one of you for following along on this journey, for putting up with my many blogs and posts and pictures.  

There is a story in the Bible that my friend, Mandy Hall, referenced last night as we were preparing to serve at our church {Luke 5: 17-20} and I found it fitting for our relationship with all of you. 

Some men were trying to bring their paralyzed friend down before Jesus, but because they could find now way to get him in through the crowd, they went up on the roof and let him down with his bed through the tiles. 

You see sometimes when our faith isn't leading us, the faith of our friends and family is what is getting us through and seeing us to the next day. Many of you have done that for us. Your prayers and your faith and your words of victory have gotten us from that devastating day in 2013 to now. 

You cannot know how thankful we are to have all of you behind us, beside us and leading us. 

Reckless, Fearless, Courageous

Faith. 

It's one of my favorite words. I even used it to name the sweet middle child. And her faith - it's like she was drenched in deep, genuine faith. 

Since I can remember I've always had faith. Some of my darkest days were lit up by a twinkle of faith, hope. . . .

These days faith is a decision we have to make over and over and over daily. 

On day 1 of this cancer journey, we started off strong. We believed. We prayed prayers of victory. Then, the journey got longer and looking back we know that our foundation of faith was the only thing getting us through. We did a lot of work in turning over the small things to God so we knew that turning over the bigger things would work out, too. 

We are in the middle of this long marathon. Day 485 to be exact. The longer you are in a storm the harder it is to stay on course even when you know your consistency is what will help you prevail. 

Today, on day 485, I can tell you that post traumatic stress is real. (http://bit.ly/1nS6JGy)

Today, on day 485, I can tell you that  I have had many more valleys than I expected. 

Today, on day 485, I can tell you that I have to decide daily to lean on faith and not sight. 

Today, on day 485, I can tell you that our walk in faith is not easy. 

Today, on day 485, I can tell you that we are grateful still. 

Today, on day 485, I can tell you that I'm vowing to myself to have a reckless, fearless, courageous faith every single day that I wake up - no matter what tries to knock me down. 

The Aftermath

While we are quickly approaching Jace's leukemia diagnosis anniversary, we have began to describe this phase of our life and his treatment as "The Aftermath." 

Last January, it was like a bomb went off in our lives jolting us to hang on to the foundation beneath us and to hold on to those around us. Things didn't really seem to "settle" until the fall. That was a LONG time to hold on and ride. 

Now, we feel like we've found a little more of our footing and are beginning to stand tall and look around. Things are definitely not what they were before. 

They don't look the same because our eyes see differently.
They don't feel the same because our hearts have expanded. 

This new year is like we are waking up to a completely different world. We think differently, we speak differently, we love differently, we see time differently, we see people differently and while this is our journey we also recognize that not everyone will get it. 

They won't get why we keep saying to be grateful anyway. They won't get why we brush off the trivial things of life. They won't get why we apologize more and forgive more abundantly. They won't understand why we now are more relational  instead of  transactional when interacting with others. They won't understand why our focus and passion has changed. They won't, but many of you will. 

Since I was 11, I've loved the church hymn Blessed Assurance . . .

This is my story, this is my song...
Praising my savior all the day long...

I sang it with pride and a deep understanding that God had me where he wanted me because my story really is HIS story. 

We all have a story to tell. We all have overcome. We all have struggled. We all  have felt alone. We all have told ourselves that we are alone. We all have something in our past that we've wrestled with and replayed in our minds over and over. 

Some of us push our story way down deep. Some of us never speak our story, Some of us blame our story for our present life. 

Our story can help someone else if we let it, but we have to tell it. 
Because if we tell it, we realize that many others have felt the exact way we do. 

Let's be honest. It's not always pretty. It's not always easy. And to be honest, ya'll, these past few weeks have been difficult particularly for me. I feel God stirring the depths of my soul. 

Now I'm here, sharing with you the biggest story my life has yet to tell. 

While I stand in the ashes trying to make out the future, I also stand in faith and knowledge that I will rise anyway. I already know that a "song can rise from the ashes of a broken life. (tenth avenue north)"

I know from my experience that God's plan for me is bigger than ANYTHING I ever could have dreamed while standing in the aisle of the small church singing my little eleven year old lungs out ( off tune, I might add). 

I know that seasons come and go. Some are long, some are short. It will be over when it has fulfilled it's purpose. 

 He has faithfully shown me that time and time and time again. 

So, I'll faithfully trust that this next season will be greater than anything I've even known. 

:) 

Operation Love

Jason and I are proud to introduce a new project we've been working on for a while. After being caregivers to #SuperJace the past few months as he went through intense chemotherapy for acute lymphoblastic leukemia (ALL), we realized there wasn't a lot of support for the caregivers (or siblings). After an amazing experience at Camp John Marc and several months of discussion with our clinic nurses, it was evident that caregivers NEED someone speaking love, life, and hope into their days. Especially into their days. The job is, frankly, more exhausting than you can even imagine. Just when you think you might get a break, typically, things just get more difficult or so it seems in the moment. 

Jason and I have been so incredibly blessed to have so many people around us from work, church and the community to speak life and victory into our days, especially on the hardest of days. We know not everyone has that support and we want to pay it all forward. Our vision for now is to help those affected by childhood cancer, but this past week God revealed that so many caregivers need this. 

I was able to speak with a local Youth Leadership Team and a women's church group, recently. Both have graciously agreed to help us launch our project. We are SO thankful to them! Also, A big thank you to everyone who helped plan this project while we were still in the middle of intense treatment. And to Josh, who continues to help us with his graphical design talent. :)

We are calling it "Operation Love" 

Mission:

On the Wings of Gratitude’s  (www.onthewingsofgratitude.com) mission is to make life easier and more comfortable for families of childhood cancer, to love on families, & speak life, hope and love into their lives. After going through a leukemia diagnosis with our own son, Jace, we realized that their was very little support for the families and siblings during our journey. We also saw a need for continued support outside of the hospital and clinic. With the help of the community, school organizations, church groups, and individual donations, we can empower the families with hope, gratitude, and affirmation that they are not alone in their journey.  

What is it?

Chemo Care Kits and Gratitude Bags give people a tangible way to help families affected by childhood cancer and helps to bring awareness of a growing need to not only support the kids, but their families and siblings. The impact of families is much deeper than the cancer, chemo and hospital stays. Items do not have to be expensive to have a great impact.

Here is an example of the postcard we will put in the bags/baskets: 

How can YOU help?

Drop off locations will be created so items can be dropped off.

With the help of volunteers, items will be organized in a chemo care kit for families on both Dallas/Legacy Campuses of Children’s Medical Center.

Other items will be organized in smaller “Gratitude Bags” for the families who attend out-patient treatment on both Dallas/Legacy Campuses of Children’s Medical Center.

Item List (You can donate 1 single item or multiple items.)

*Please ensure items are new and packaged. Devices or other expensive items can be donated directly to Tisha or Jason for cleaning or safe keeping before delivery. )

1. Purple tissue paper (any shade) for bags
2. Purple gift bags (any size)
3. Clear or Brown gift bags (any size)
4. Rolls of quarters
5. Travel size laundry soap
6. Laundry bag
7. Travel size shampoo & conditioner
8. Travel size toothpaste, toothbrush, & mouthwash
9. Travel size deodorant
10. Chap stick
11. Socks for men or women ( or kids)
12. Men and/or women razors
13. Nail Clippers, nail file, nail polish remover
14. Q tips
15. Cotton balls
16. Ponytail holders
17. Socks or slippers
18. Blankets
19. Water bottles (small)
20. Granola bars
21. Fruit snacks
22. Chips
23. Popcorn
24. Candy
25. Hot chocolate packets with a mug
26. Instant items for microwave cooking
27. Travel speakers or headphones
28. Thank you cards & pens/markers
29. Envelopes & stamps
30. Packs of paper, stationary or construction paper
31. Scotch tape
32. Food gift cards, iTunes gift cards, VISA gift cards for gas/toll expenses/parking
33. Any extra used IPads/IPhone chargers
34. DVDs
35. Older iphone, ipad, or ipod devices that can be reset for patient/family use
    
    

When and Where? 

Current Drop Off Locations/Dates:

• December Drop Off - TBD
• January Drop Off - TBD
• Mailed-In Donations PO Box 6, Celina, Texas 75009

*1st target delivery date is December 5.

*Additional drop off locations will be announced when they become available.

**All advertising for this project needs to be pre-approved by Tisha & Jason Poncio.

For inquiry on advertising, kit contents, or speaking engagements, please contact onthewingsofgratitude@gmail.com.

"The smallest acts of kindness and love can have a giant impact."

Jason and I want to thank you all in advance for your donations. We know that many families will be blessed to know they are not alone and are thought of and prayed for even if they didn't realize it!

So, as you're stocking up on Thanksgiving items, food drive items, or even stocking stuffers, throw in a few of the items listed above and help us love on others!

Big love and gratitude,

...A child will lead

We talk a lot in our family about being a leader and how important leadership is in life. 

We never expected our 3 year old to be the one leading US during the most difficult time of his life. 

On a rare occasion I was able to capture this moment. He often gathers us up for prayers, in addition to our morning affirmation and nighttime prayers. He speaks very quietly and clasps his hands together like this. 

It IS the most amazing thing to watch. His faith and his heart for The Lord is such an inspiring thing to witness. 

I am humbly honored to be his mom! 

Xoxox

Tisha 

For His Glory

You never expect to hear words that will forever change your life, but we all have them said to us at different times and for different reasons. 

In the wee hours Sunday morning, we learned that our sweet almost 3 year old has leukemia. 

If you know me, or this blog, you know I believe in gratitude and just as much I believe in prayer and in God's healing power. 

Many times we do not understand the "why," but even in hindsight of my own life, I know that He works ALL situations for GOOD. He can take ANY SITUATION around and turn it into an amazing thing. 

I praise him always and in ALL WAYS. Even now when I find myself in an unknown place. 

I know I'm not alone. I know that God will use this situation, as well, to show HIS GLORY and HIS MIRACLES. 

Our job is always to BELIEVE, so that's what I'm doing. Always. 

Jace's Facebook page: Grace for Jace: www.facebook.com/graceforJace

Jace's favorite song and our new theme song: 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpPZn7sjBfw

Jace's Caring Bridge site: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jaceponcio/mystory

#SUPERJACE #NOTHINGISIMPOSSIBLE

Less You, More God

Today I’m sounding off. I’ve been pretty silent in the last week. Life has been busy. December is always busy. Birthday parties to plan and throw, gifts to buy, gifts to wrap, gifts to give teachers, class parties to attend, work luncheons to contribute to and then there’s sleeping and eating, too. :) 

For me, December 14 has always been a special day. 12 years ago on that day I was sitting in the hospital during one of the biggest ice storms in the area. I spent most of my day gazing at my very first, sweet baby girl after several long hours of pain and finding out exactly what I was made of (strength). 

This year was a big year for her: middle school, school dances, a friend who’s a boy (*wink*), and her biggest sleepover in a while. It was big enough for me to take the day off from work, so I could prep the house, run to the store, and get things all set up for 6 tweens to take over. 

Mid-day, I happened to turn on the news and saw the reports out of Connecticut. At that moment I made a very set decision. I turned off the television and continued on about my day. 

“I can’t.” I said to myself. 

I could not spend the day listening to the reports,  details, and repetitive way reporters described it all. I had to be in the moment and present for my girl and her friends who would come through the door giggling and asking me to do their hair for the dance that night. “I couldn’t” because seeing those sweet precious faces only brought back my own memories of losing the special 6 year old boy in my life.

After the whirlwind of the tween party, we re-centered ourselves to go take our yearly family photos. I did not turn on the radio stations nor did I turn on the television. I stayed in the moment while we laughed and enjoyed our time together. I stayed in the moment as we had lunch together and as we all snuggled up for a nap which we all so desperately needed. 

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. He love endures forever.” ~Psalm 136: 1-26

The next day we were up early to go see Santa and have another meal together. I was present and grateful and full of thanks for each moment I’d been allowed to experience. I ran down the sidewalk with the kids, took them to the shops they pulled me into, and remembered that each moment, whether it’s what I expect or want is a gift. 

“Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going to work, and walking around life - and place it as an offering.” ~Romans 12:1-2

Sunday afternoon, when I finally had some time to sit I decided to scroll through Facebook and Twitter. 

BIG MISTAKE. 

People all over were voicing their opinions, their political stances, their fear, their doubt, their questions, reposting pictures, poems and articles. 

Maybe it’s just because I know tragedy. Maybe it’s because I saw my parents go through the painful process of losing their own child. Maybe it’s because of my own experience that I was so angry at how everyone the last week seemed to make the tragedy about them.

Everywhere I looked someone was talking about it, discussing it, debating it, or detailing the events. I guess that is human nature.  I guess it helps them cope. 

But ... I just ..... couldn’t. 

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve prayed for those families, that situation, and every single person affected by the event. I, purposefully, read the names of each sweet child & educator and prayed, specifically, for their families by name. 

 “Pray without ceasing.” ~1 Thessalonians 5:17

But I refuse to buy into everything the media throws out at me. I refuse to keep the television/radio on. I refuse to discuss it with my 7 year old just because everyone else might be and am thankful that her school didn’t decide to have discussion about it on Monday. If she asks, I always answer honestly with the least amount of details given. If she doesn’t, then who am I to take away her innocence and sense of security away? There’s enough of that going on in this world. 

I refuse to live in fear. I refuse to debate politics and gun control. I refuse to dwell on tragedy, or obsess over every article or story out there. I refuse to allow myself to be on “auto pilot”  and not take control of what I see or hear. Just because it is on or in front of me doesn’t mean my ears or eyes need to see it. 

“Be very careful, then how you live...” ~Ephesians 5:15

I’m not afraid to send my kids to school each day. I know down to my core that every single person caring for them would do everything humanly possible to keep them safe. I know that there is a hedge of protection around each of them and that no matter what happens, my God is in control, not me. 

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” ~Joshua 1:9

I, personally, know about living in fear. I, personally, know about questioning and doubting. I, also, personally know that it gets us nowhere. 

“I have told you these things so that in my you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

If we want the world to be a better place, it’s up to US to make it that sort of place. You job is to bless: 

Love more, hate less. 

Encourage more, criticize less. 

Give more, take less.

Do more, watch less. 

Pray more, complain less. 

Less YOU. More GOD. 

“Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.” ~ 1 Peter 3:8

xoxoxo
xoxo
xo
Tisha