Where God Has Me

Lord, piece me back together again with your unfailing love. 


I'm struggling a lot with where God has me right now. I sometimes don't realize the crushing impact of all that's happened the past 2 years (or my whole life for that matter) until I, verbally, have to give some stranger the cliff note's version of my life: 

"...cancer....2 years of treatment down....2 more to go....
...lost my mom last month.....dad had to be put in a facility for Alzheimer's a few days later because he was missing for a short time...
....brother is living with a new guardian one state over....."

I see people that I knew, friends who were in this technology world of mine and see how they've grown in their profession and career. I see people that I know that are meeting so many of their writing goals, or goals to start up that non-profit dream of theirs. 

And here I sit. 

Still. 

Just being here. 

Because God's interruptions in my life have been above and beyond. 


And all I see are pieces of my broken heart staring back at me from the floor. 


No, I'm not trying to be strong for anyone. (Ask those closest to me.)
 
No, I don't think I'm the only one who's gone through these things nor will I be the last. 

No, I don't have any regrets. 

No, I'm not always consumed by the pain and struggle. 

I am needing A LOT more time alone to grieve, reflect, sort, and pray. I need more time than I ever expected. Right now, God is the only one who can speak to me or who can put up with me. Truth. 

I know everyone goes on auto pilot and says whatever cliche' phrase they have at that moment because they don't know what else to say: 

"I'm praying for you." 

"God loves you." 

"He's working through you in this season." 

"Bigger things are in store." 

"Satan is just trying to throw you off." 

"You are strong." 

"This too shall pass."

"Sorry for your loss." 

"It's just a season." 

At this point, you know I've heard it ALL and I'm kind of done. I know all of that. I believe all of that. I just can't get there yet, you know?

I'm still having difficulty even responding to text messages. I have at least 10 that are on my phone from sweet friends checking up on me, sending me love and prayers. This is definitely a test for them, too, I'm sure. It's not easy being my friend these days. I hope they aren't taking it personally because it really isn't. I just sort of have nothing to say.......at least not in my usual spunky sort of way.

Thursday, I, truly, didn't think I'd be able to make it to work. The day before sort of crumbled on top of me in the middle of a long run. 

At the end of the day, no matter what, I'm still in charge of A LOT of people and A LOT of decisions. 

I'm still in the search for an attorney to help me with paperwork for our non-profit. I'm still trying to figure out what to do with certain properties and belongings and when to plan trips away from home to take care of all the things that need my attention. 

Then, on top of all of the decision-making for my dad, any small, daily life set-back just knocks me back to the ground. 

Last week it was potato soup. Yes, potato soup......that turned into mashed potatoes. It did not turn out well and let's be honest, it wasn't about the potato soup. 

*sigh*

In between the "when-is-the-next-chemo-pill" and "thank-you-for-calling-to-update-me about-my-dad," I'm learning that I do better sitting with and talking with those who are IN the arena with me: those who've been down that cancer road; those who've lost a mom; those who are in the grief right now; those who are dealing with Alzheimer's; those who are doing all of those things and are young like me. 

Granted, there are those friends that just flat out make me LAUGH and laugh HARD. They don't even know they are the ones pulling me along each day and getting me through. 

All of the heavy "life" stuff didn't take away my humorous side. Yes, I'm still sad a lot of the time, but anytime I come across someone being snarky, it just makes me laugh-from-my-belly hard. 

I know many of you read here and don't comment. So, I know I'm not just talking to myself. (I'm at least hoping so)

I'm learning that no matter what your relationship with a parent was/is once they are gone every stage of grief is fair game. 

I'm learning that it's very hard to concentrate on the gratitudes and joys even when you're aware of them, especially in the middle of the grief-fog. (we are on day 35 of the #40daysofthanks challenge)

I'm learning that I have to be patient with myself and REALLY patient with others. 

I'm learning that you can be hard-pressed on every side, literally. 

I'm learning that grief is a part of life in so many ways and that just like all things in life you have no control over that process. 

I'm learning that stepping back from social media is good medicine for the soul. 

I'm learning that no matter what season I'm thrown into I can still be authentic about it all. 

I'm learning that my conversations with God aren't always rainbows and happiness and He doesn't expect them to be. 

I'm learning more about what He expects from me and, in the end, that is really all that matters because He has me exactly where He needs me. 

Unraveling

"Are the days getting any better?"
"Just wanted to check on you. It seems like you're struggling a lot lately." 

I'm so thankful for people who are brave enough to actually check in on me. I know my life and it's struggles can be overwhelming to others, even intimidating.  (it is for me, too)

i sit. 

i cry out. 

i pray. 

i praise. 

There's so much of my story that I haven't shared yet. So many details of my own iceberg that isn't visible to the rest of the world. So many things I've wanted to share, but was silenced because of shame or fear. 

I am grieving the death of my mom. But that's not all. 

I'm grieving having to put my dad in a facility 500 miles away from me because of Alzheimer's and dementia. 

I'm grieving my brother having to have his own guardian now who is not a family member. 

I'm grieving my family. 

I'm grieving the unraveling. 

The truth is that so many things with my family of origin was a facade. More things than you can even imagine. Things that I know. Things that I saw. Things that I experienced. Things that if I told them to you, you'd probably tell me I was making it all up. 

Boy, do I wish I was. 

Someone asked me last week if I felt alone. 

Yes. I do feel alone a lot, but it's not a new feeling. I felt that way long before this season. I know that feelings are not the truth, though. 

The truth is that I am struggling. 

The truth is behind this face, this smile, this attitude of gratitude, I do struggle with this season. I wonder why. I wonder when I will find a time of rest. I wonder why me. 

I don't share all of this with you so you will pity me. 

I simply share it with you because I want someone out there, someone like me, someone struggling to know they are not alone. 

I share all of this with you so that my fear and shame will no longer have a voice. 

In my truth and in my story, I'm finding authenticity. 

All the while still going on this journey with Jace. Yesterday during chemo, we found out his end-of-treatment date. Yes, I'm thankful we have an end date. At the same time, I'm grieving the expectation I had that the date was sooner and the expectation I had for his kindergarten year. 

Without revealing the date (we want Jace to do that himself), I will say that he will be in treatment for his entire kindergarten school year. My hope was that he would be able to enjoy at least part of it as a "normal" kid. 

The truth is I am thankful through it all. I am praising even through the tears and the grief. 

God is good. I want those that read my story or see me in person to know that is always the bottom line for me. 

He has shown me His faithfulness and love time and time again. I never want my grief or my struggle or my pain to overpower that bottom line. 

I am not alone.

I am loved. 

I am highly favored. 

...and so are you. 

xoxo

Honor

Norma Rushing

October 19, 1945 - October 3, 2014

I've been silent on my blog for a while. A few months ago I got word that my mom was sick and had decided to go home on hospice care after a long hospital stay. We all knew what that meant. We all knew that she'd struggled since before Jace got sick with her own health. What many did not know is the behind-the-scenes of my relationship with her. I tried to be very careful and respectful of her about our struggling relationship. 

Much of my life was spent trying to make that relationship exactly what we both wanted. It was difficult on both of us for a long, long time. Months before she got sick we had stopped talking. I know why she shut me out and I know that I was only coming from a loving, caring place. There were some toxic people talking to her telling her things that were untrue about my motives for visiting. I struggled weeks before she passed with deciding the right time to travel the 11 hours to see her; to say goodbye. I knew my visit would cause stress and didn't want my presence to create any tension. 

As God always does, I finally felt led to make that long journey. I knew it was time. 

Thursday, I drove with my cousin to visit. We were prepared for what we would experience. We'd both been bracing ourselves for the reality of the future. 

Thankfully, we both made it in time to tell her we loved her and to say goodbye. 

I will never forget that moment. I took her hand. I looked into her eyes and said "I love you." She nodded and raised her head closer to mine and said "I love you, too." I kissed her on the forehead and stroked her hair. 

We left Thursday night knowing that would be our last visit. We got the call the next morning that she was gone. 

I've been preparing myself for this for a long time.  I knew what this would mean for my family. My mom was the caretaker of both my brother and my dad. Without her, we knew they would both need things put in place for their care. 

Many of the things normal families discuss and put in place were not discussed at all. 

I've had a full range of emotions since the time I knew she only had months left. Anger, sadness, hope. . . 

The thing about both of us is that we both said exactly what was on our minds. We both lived different lives. We both approached pain and struggle differently. 

She tried so hard for many years to escape all the painful experiences she had, including my brother's death.

Here's what I read at her memorial earlier this week: 

Unfortunately, my dad is unable to be here today. He is struggling with Alzheimer's and is, currently, in the hospital in NM.

"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creating, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." 

Romans 8:38

The moment right before my brother died was the very moment I realized just how loved I was. It was the moment I knew God was in the middle of everything we experience. Nothing can separate us from the love He has for us.

Everyone sitting here today is a testament of just how loved my mom and our family was.

Each one of us have different memories of her and had different experiences with her.

What you may not know is just like in any family there is the highlight reel and then the behind the scenes. My relationship with my mom was a difficult one. Like some of you here, I continued to try to reach out, love her, pour into her and remind her just how cared for she was.

My brothers death was a pivotal point in our family. My mom struggled very much to come to terms with that day. And though we have been lucky enough to still have our sweet Jace, I do know how difficult that journey was for her.

Those experiences can cause us to isolate ourselves from everyone and everything. It can cause us to believe no one cares and is just going on about their lives. 

Since that day I have prayed so very hard she would realize that abundant love. I'm choosing to believe the minute she was gone from this earth, she not only realized it but opened her arms and ran to it.

Thank u to each of you for your presence here today and for loving on my mom one last time. 

There were so many people that loved my mom and reached out to her often. Some got through and some didn't. It didn't make them love her any less, including me. It's been heartwarming to read and hear stories of how she helped others, made people laugh, or just made them feel special.

In this season of my life, cancer with Jace, losing my mom, losing my dad also in a sense, and being so far from my brother, some look at me from afar and probably say "Man, I'm glad that's not me!" 

I say, "THANK YOU, GOD! In this season, I'm closer to You. I am closer to Your miracles. I'm closer to others. Thank YOU for showing up every single time I've needed you and for leading me to honor not only my mother, but the life I have and, ultimately, You. " 

One thing my mom did for me every year was try to join my 40 Days of Thankfulness Challenge. We would love for you to join us this year! 

October 8 - November 16

www.facebook.com/40daysofthankfulness

RIP Mom. You and John-John are together again finally. <3