Isolation

**as posted on www.caringbridge.org/visit/jaceponcio/journal**

We never thought we'd know so many versions of this word. 

Initially, we think of Jace being on isolation because his ANC is so low. But after 7 months of the day-in-day-out, I can tell you there's a lot more to the word.

I searched and searched this week for articles and blogs on the emotional affects of families affected by cancer. Nothing.

Well, there IS stuff, but not the stuff I was particularly looking for and nothing genuinely written. It was a lot of medical research done on families who had a family member with cancer or taking chemo.

Meh.

Not a coincidence that on Friday, Jason ran into some other families who were staying in the stem cell portion of the hospital that we were. (No, Jace doesn't need a stem cell transplant, he just gets the first room available)

Their conversations to him went something like this:

"We've been going through this for 2 1/2 years. It does feel like isolation. People don't know what you're going through. Even if they think they know, they really don't unless they are in the middle of it all with you." 

"People do help with meals and gift cards and/or cleaning our house and it DOES help, but we never feel like anyone truly understands." 

"I'm a grandma and the only one who is really taking care of [him.] I don't have a car and taking care of everything is hard."

This is one of the most isolating experiences ever. The emotional toll that it all takes on us is something that can barely be put into words. It's like the 5 of us have gone to war together and really no one else can come close to knowing all of the feelings involved. We've got a bond together that no one can touch and it's definitely brought us all a lot closer together.

As I continued to think on the topic of "isolation," I began thinking of it in a deeper sense. (I know you're not surprised.)

Isolating experiences are necessary for God to mold you and make you. I think back to Esther, Daniel, Job, Noah, Mary and Joseph from the Bible. Each one of them had some sort of isolating experience(s) and many times those were the times they were touched by God for something great.

Today, during a run, I did my own little Bible study on isolation. At first it seems to be seen as negative thing to shut yourself off from the world:

"A man, having separated himself, seeks his own desire, and rages against all sound wisdom." ~Proverbs 18:1
Then, as I dug deeper I found more of what I was feeling:

"Don’t love the world’s ways. Don’t love the world’s goods. Love of the world isolates out love for the Father. ~1 John 2:15  Msg
"Before daybreak the next morning, Jesus got up and went out to an isolated place to pray". ~Mark 1:35 NLT

"He said to them, “Come with me privately to an isolated place and rest a while” (for many were coming and going, and there was no time to eat)." ~Mark 6:31 NET

Since Thursday, we've taken a step back from social media, texting, etc. If you have heard from us less, this is why. We've needed to take a spiritual and emotional deep breath. No noise, no world, just us and God. We need time to recharge, to gain strength, to have clarity and just be.

Jason and I have had this conversation a lot in the last 6 months.
We often feel out of the loop and as if we do not fit in anywhere. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's just something we haven't felt. It's not a secret. We don't fit in. We are different. Life has changed.

People tend to think, 'Well, Jace is doing chemo and once it's over, everything will go back to how it was before. They'll be back to who they were.'

Nope. Not even close. We will all never, ever be the way were were before. We will not respond as before, we will not live as before, we will not love as before, we will not go back to the before.  Right now it's hard for people to understand that we cannot be as available as we were before: emotionally & physically.

Typically, we believe to give 110% to everything we do, but now, we can't step up and go above and beyond at work, at church, with friends, with family. It takes some getting use to and people close to us have chosen to not be a part of our lives anymore because of the great change. We aren't angry by this, we just know that as others' seasons change from winter/spring to summer/fall, our season is leukemia, chemo, healing, and maintenance.

It's hard for others to understand how deep we've been touched by this experience. Work seems trivial, we aren't as OCD about laundry, dishes, scheduling, and on another level our passions have changed completely. We want to speak out for those who've come before us on this journey. We want to raise awareness for childhood cancer and, more importantly, we want to support the FAMILIES affected on an emotional level.

We don't know what our future holds, but we hold strong to the knowledge that God is for us and wants to prosper us and give hope.

For now, we leave you with this reading from Jesus Calling. 
July 14: Keep Walking

Keep walking with Me along the path I have chosen for you. Your desire to live closer to Me is a delight to my heart. I could instantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, but that is not My way for you. Together we will forge a pathway up the hight mountain. The journey arduous at times and you are weak. Someday you will dance light-footed on the high peaks, but for now your walk is often plodding and heavy. All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging My hand for strength and direction. Though the path is difficult and the scenery dull at the moment, there are sparkling surprises just around the bend. Stay on the path I have selected for you. It is truly the path of Life. 

Love and gratitude,
Tisha & Jason

...A child will lead

We talk a lot in our family about being a leader and how important leadership is in life. 

We never expected our 3 year old to be the one leading US during the most difficult time of his life. 

On a rare occasion I was able to capture this moment. He often gathers us up for prayers, in addition to our morning affirmation and nighttime prayers. He speaks very quietly and clasps his hands together like this. 

It IS the most amazing thing to watch. His faith and his heart for The Lord is such an inspiring thing to witness. 

I am humbly honored to be his mom! 

Xoxox

Tisha 

Stuff Dreams are made of. . . .

As most of you know, the past year has been one of the most difficult years ever for me and my family. 

In October, my mom was very, very sick and I wasn't sure she was going to make it. At that time, I thought that week was the most difficult in a very long time. I've had a lot of "crying-on-the-floor" moments in my life and that was one of them. 

In that week, though, I saw God do some amazing things I never expected. She got better and was able to go home again. 

Little did I know, just a few months later, I'd be sitting in an ER room hearing these words. . . 

"It looks like leukemia. I'm sorry." 

It's sort of odd being in the place I'm in right now. I look back at the last year and see all the things that happened and all the amazing things God has done. 

I reflect on the word of our pastor. "2013 is the year of ENLARGE!" I remember sitting in a service in February trying with all of my heart to believe that God had a plan to ENLARGE my life, my faith, my experiences, and my trust in Him during such a rough year. 

But I believed. 

And I kept going. I kept praying. I kept my faith. I continued to believe in the miracles He'd already allowed me see front row. 

6 weeks into Jace's treatment we were able to say "He is in remission. There is NO evidence of disease in his body." 

You cannot even imagine what that is like. :) God is our redeemer and every single time he has taken something that was meant for EVIL in my life and turned it GOOD. 

How can I have complete faith and gratitude in ALL circumstances? Because time and time and time again He shows me that LOVE WINS. 

So, I could probably do a little motivational speech for you over the course of my life and my testimony. If you've followed me on twitter/FB or Jace's caring bridge or Facebook site, you know my philosophy will always be based in gratitude and thanksgiving. 

Fast forward to last week. I had already bought VIP tickets to see New Kids on the Block in Dallas the day before Jace's diagnosis. I'm a huge fan compared to most, but this was only going to be my 2nd 30 second meeting with them. It was only going to be my 6th show in five years. Many, many fans I know have been able to do so much more. I've always wanted to be that girl. 

Last week, I entered a raffle for Remember Betty for 2 tickets to the Oklahoma City show. I warned my friend, Mandy, that if I won she was going. She has helped us so much in the past 6 months by picking up the girls and letting them stay over when we were both with Jace at the hospital. I prayed that I could do something FOR HER. 

Also, I couldn't have a NKOTB fan/friend who'd NEVER been to a show before. ;) #travesty

Imagine her surprise last Sunday when I got word we were going! :) So exciting! A girl road trip to see our favorite band! The plan was to get 2 tix for the show and then get to meet Danny Wood before the show started. 

We had a blast on the way there listening to the songs. She wanted to hear details of my show the night before. (Front row, catching a rose from Boys II Men, meet & greet, and after party) I caught her up on the different "fan levels" and gave her a quick twitter lesson. :) 

We got ready Saturday night and picked up our tickets from Will Call. I could tell our seats would be good right away. We were just right above the floor a couple of rows. Once we got in the venue, it was almost time to meet Victor so he could take us to meet Danny. After a bunch of crazy running around and up and down stairs we found him. He said we were going to have to meet Danny after the show. 

Lesson 1 & 2: Timing is everything. Patience is a virtue. 

So, we found our seats and settled in to enjoy the show. Watching my friend watch the show was the best part. :) 

After the show, Victor found us again and we followed him back. We were just asked to be respectful of other people that we may or may not run into while back there. As teachers, we are pretty much rule followers, so that wasn't going to be a problem. 

As much as I'd like to give FULL DETAILS of our time back there, I'm choosing not to. I want to be able to share with you the awesomeness of it all, yet, still respect their privacy and keep some of the fun details to just us. 

We did get to see some people in the back. We did get to hear some info that wasn't fully known to everyone. We kept quiet and just observed the scene where the dressing rooms were. 

THIS was my 13 year old dream come true - getting to watch things happen in their "safe place." It was kind of like being a fly on the wall. 

The guys we saw just did their own thing. It reminded me of how when we teach, we turn ourselves "on" and do our thing. When teaching is over, we wind down and do our thing, too, yet our students are still in awe that we, too, shop in the grocery store. :)

We heard some singing, some laughing, saw people I'd seen the night before in Dallas and chatted with the venue guy. 

About 25 minutes after we got back there, my stuff fell over in the chair and I just knew Danny would walk out at that moment. (He didn't, thankfully.)

I asked the venue guy if my hair looked ok. He smiled and laughed and said "Yes, honey, you look great." 

I pulled out my phone camera and checked my hair. 

Yep, Danny walked out at that moment. :) 

He was super nice. We got hugs and photos. I told him everything I'd rehearsed. 

Next, Victor was telling us where to go. Down the hall, take a left. Elevator up to Floor 3. Wait there for him.

Ok. Got it. Well, I sort of did. 

Mandy and I walked like we knew exactly where we were going. And then we took a wrong turn. When we realized it, we had to turn around and get back on track. As we were doing that, I saw Donnie in his pink shirt and hat walking down the hall behind us. 

I decided I wasn't turning around for nothing. So, we casually walked to the elevator and pushed the button. Or so we thought. It never turned blue. 

*panic*

We pushed it again. I could hear the guys coming down the hall closer. The elevator doors opened. I quickly looked for LEVEL 3 when, suddenly, Victor's hand catches the door. Mandy said the guys were just standing there until Victor said "Yep! We are going with you guys!" 

OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! <-----this was happening in my head. In reality, I was calm and cool as a cucumber. :)

It was just me, Mandy, Victor and the guys. All of them. Mandy said nothing. :) Jon hugged and kissed us both and asked about my "Hope" necklace. I told them about Jace and how he loved singing and listening to Crash. They all laughed. Again, no full details, but it was nothing short of amazing. 

Then I made a joke that this was the best first ultimate I'd ever dreamed of. :) More laughing.

We all got off. 

Victor walked with us. Then he told us that the guys were going in first to the after party and to go in right behind him. We followed. It was very cool being on the other side of the screaming girls. :) 
The after party was AWESOME. We were able to get lots of photos and Mandy had her moment with Jordan (her favorite).

As we walked back to our car, we were still in complete shock of what had happened. 

Lessons 3 & 4: Feel the fear and do it anyway. Ask & you shall receive. 

Yeah, it was "only NKOTB" to some, but for us, and especially for Mandy there will never be a moment that will top June 29, 2013. 

Nothing that day was planned except for tickets and a quick meet and greet. Everything else came down to timing. 

The two of us feel incredibly blessed with such a unique experience. It's the stuff dreams are made of....... 

#NOTHINGISIMPOSSIBLE

:) 

Big love and gratitude,
Tisha

For Dallas Photos: https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151694941950891.1073741826.744335890&type=1&l=106c5bbbb2

For OKC Photos: https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151694975975891.1073741827.744335890&type=1&l=5fe1d84339

For His Glory

You never expect to hear words that will forever change your life, but we all have them said to us at different times and for different reasons. 

In the wee hours Sunday morning, we learned that our sweet almost 3 year old has leukemia. 

If you know me, or this blog, you know I believe in gratitude and just as much I believe in prayer and in God's healing power. 

Many times we do not understand the "why," but even in hindsight of my own life, I know that He works ALL situations for GOOD. He can take ANY SITUATION around and turn it into an amazing thing. 

I praise him always and in ALL WAYS. Even now when I find myself in an unknown place. 

I know I'm not alone. I know that God will use this situation, as well, to show HIS GLORY and HIS MIRACLES. 

Our job is always to BELIEVE, so that's what I'm doing. Always. 

Jace's Facebook page: Grace for Jace: www.facebook.com/graceforJace

Jace's favorite song and our new theme song: 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpPZn7sjBfw

Jace's Caring Bridge site: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jaceponcio/mystory

#SUPERJACE #NOTHINGISIMPOSSIBLE

Why Fast? The Daniel Fast

Over the past week, hubby and I have been preparing for our annual Daniel Fast. This is something we do with our church each January. Each time we do it, I feel more focused and clear headed. It's like everything else you do in life. If you  aren't all in with a purpose, then you won't really get a lot out of it. 

Here are some resources for you if you are not familiar with the Daniel Fast: 

Daniel Fast from Just Everyday Me 

Daniel Fast Resources from Elevate Life Church 

Google - You can find out more info with a quick search for "the daniel fast" 

So, how do people react when your doing the fast? 

Well, I, personally, find their reactions mixed. A little judgement thrown in with confusion and silence. I guess it is a little intimidating, right? Their reactions prompted me to be really thoughtful about why I'm fasting and be able to communicate that better to them. 

People don't workout, they don't set aside specific time to pray, & they are not conscious of what they are eating. They are letting work, children, and other obligations rule them instead of vice versa. By rule, I don't mean controlling, I mean leading.

And then people wonder why they don't feel closer to God and why things aren't more clear more often. 

For the past week, we have prepped ourselves for the 21 day journey. I stopped having bread and caffeine in order to be ready for today, day 1 of the fast. 

This will be our 3rd year to fast. We both have specific purpose and prayers during the 21 days. Let's face it. I need to let go of more than a few pounds or fried foods. I need to be more conscious. I need to draw closer to God and work through those things I've held on to for years. I need to be more disciplined in my prayer and study. I need to surround myself less with anger, bitterness, the judgement of others. And even if I'm placed in those situations, I need to learn how to be more graceful and loving. 

Each year I gain insight and clarity about something I've held on to for far too long. My marriage is better, my relationships are better, my love is better, my opportunities seem to increase and my leadership grows. 

The fast, for me, isn't about what I  can gain from God, but gives me a clearer understanding of what I can do for Him.

In Gratitude,

xoxoxox

xox

Tisha

All We Need is: LOVE

The Beatles had it right. 

For the past several months, I've been in my own struggle. Yes, this gratitude warrior struggled with discouragement and falling into the cynic mindset. Those closest to me could feel it and could see it. I knew it was there and was frustrated that I would allow it to stay for so long. I've engrained an attitude of gratitude into my life, my words, my thoughts, my being. Lately, though, I've struggled with that, also. 

Feelings of abandonment have never been far from my mind. I feel privileged to be loved enough to have been adopted and, yet, at the same time there are natural feelings of abandonment. The fear of it can easily take over my thoughts and in my younger days it did just that. It has affected almost every relationship I've been in, as well as friendships. 
I've enlarged my ability to feel the fear and press on. As I've matured, I've grown to a place where I can feel those feelings and yet remember they are not true.  However, it is still a constant struggle and during times when I don't feel loved, it's an even bigger challenge. 

So, during this two month struggle, I kept coming to the same conclusion. It wasn't new to the world or to me, but it was an aha! moment. It explained my struggle. It explained the struggles that caused my struggle.

Every issue, Every issue stems from someone not feeling loved, not feeling accepted, not feeling like enough. 

I'm not a counselor or an expert by any means, but I have lived enough life and made enough mistakes on my own to see the common thread. 

We can say we love someone everyday, but saying it is not enough. We must be intentional about it. We have to be intentional every day, with every word, with every action. 

I have people close to me that I've watched for many years struggle with loving themselves. I've listened to their words, carefully, and learned that they also have never been completely loved, unconditionally loved, or experienced love in it's truest form. 

I've watched people I know (including myself) go through one divorce or more. I've spent time with people who are struggling to create loving environments as a now blended family. I know how difficult it is to teach children the true meaning of love when you haven't experienced it or you doubt it's power. 

I've listened as people have confessed that their marriage/relationship is not what they want it to be and that the distance is too much for it to "work" anymore or that the stresses of daily life is just too much and they cannot find time to connect with their spouse or significant other. 

I say what the Beatles have been saying all along. I've been saying it to my husband for months as I've been trying to explain why my love was rejected by someone close to me. I just could not explain it and rather than find a gratitude or lesson within the situation, I just grew angry and frustrated. 

So, as 2012 was about to exit and I was still contemplating being a cynic or buying into the "love" thing, my friend Deb sent me a Facebook message. 

So I have this crazy idea. I'm sure it's been done before, but who cares? I'd like to create a private group for wives called 40 days of love. Starting on the first or maybe the second given the short notice, we aim to do something every day for a minimum of 40 days to show our hubbies we love them. What do you think?

You may not believe in God Winks (my friend SQuire Rushnell does), but I sure as heck do! I've experienced them pretty much all my life. So, Deb's crazy idea really was a divine validation of what I've been saying for 2 months (and had been ignoring). 

Now you and I both know that this idea isn't off the wall. It's been done many times. There are tons of articles out there and books like The Love Dare that challenge us to stretch beyond our comforts and love no matter what has happened.  

But what a better way to incorporate 40 Days of Thankfulness, my birthday Random Acts of Kindness and On the Wings of Gratitude into the threads of our own personal relationships that are right in front of us? 

You may be thinking: "Some days it's going to be hard to come up with loving things to say or do about/for my ___________ (insert your loved one here)." 

And you're right! But we are called to LOVE! 

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." Ephesians 4:2

We are not instructed to love when it's convenient for us. We are not instructed to love when others love us first. We are not instructed to stop loving if we are wronged. We are not instructed to love only when others meet our unrealistic expectations.

We are called to LOVE. If we can give more of it, we will receive more of it. You can choose anger, cynicism, bitterness, and defeat, or you can choose to start your 2013 off right and join our 40 Days of Love Challenge. 

Beginning January 6, 2013, the 40 Days of Love event will launch. We are asking you to join us. We are asking you to love. Love those mothers and fathers in your life who've hurt you, love those husbands and wives who you once couldn't live without, love those children who are your life no matter what they do, love those friends who are in your life for a reason. 

Once a day we will challenge you to do something for that person. We will ask you to share your ideas with others on Facebook or twitter. We will ask you to post pictures on Instagram of your love challenge or your loved one. 

What do I need to do? Join the FB event, share/invite others, choose the person you are going to LOVE during this challenge and wait for the challenges to come in each day! We will remind you, don't worry! :) 

Does it have to be a husband or a wife? NO! It doesn't matter who you are LOVING in the 40 Days as long as you are doing something IN LOVE for them. 

Can you choose to keep it a secret? Sure, but you don't have to! Totally up to you! 

Can you choose to do your own 40 day challenges? Sure! We will just post as guidance for those that are less creative (like us) :) 

Is this just for women?  NO! We NEED the men of our lives to join in the most! You are husbands, sons, fathers.......you are SO important! 

By February 14th, we should all have more love in our lives and THAT will be cause to celebrate a day of love (and not that corporate holiday that just sucks money from our lives) .

40 Days of Love event (click here to join) 

On the Wings of Gratitude (Twitter)

#40DaysofLove (hashtag aka "keyword" to use on FB, Twitter, and Instagram) 

Wishing all of you a new year full of love, gratitude, blessings, and joy! 

Still your gratitude warrior,

Tisha

Less You, More God

Today I’m sounding off. I’ve been pretty silent in the last week. Life has been busy. December is always busy. Birthday parties to plan and throw, gifts to buy, gifts to wrap, gifts to give teachers, class parties to attend, work luncheons to contribute to and then there’s sleeping and eating, too. :) 

For me, December 14 has always been a special day. 12 years ago on that day I was sitting in the hospital during one of the biggest ice storms in the area. I spent most of my day gazing at my very first, sweet baby girl after several long hours of pain and finding out exactly what I was made of (strength). 

This year was a big year for her: middle school, school dances, a friend who’s a boy (*wink*), and her biggest sleepover in a while. It was big enough for me to take the day off from work, so I could prep the house, run to the store, and get things all set up for 6 tweens to take over. 

Mid-day, I happened to turn on the news and saw the reports out of Connecticut. At that moment I made a very set decision. I turned off the television and continued on about my day. 

“I can’t.” I said to myself. 

I could not spend the day listening to the reports,  details, and repetitive way reporters described it all. I had to be in the moment and present for my girl and her friends who would come through the door giggling and asking me to do their hair for the dance that night. “I couldn’t” because seeing those sweet precious faces only brought back my own memories of losing the special 6 year old boy in my life.

After the whirlwind of the tween party, we re-centered ourselves to go take our yearly family photos. I did not turn on the radio stations nor did I turn on the television. I stayed in the moment while we laughed and enjoyed our time together. I stayed in the moment as we had lunch together and as we all snuggled up for a nap which we all so desperately needed. 

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. He love endures forever.” ~Psalm 136: 1-26

The next day we were up early to go see Santa and have another meal together. I was present and grateful and full of thanks for each moment I’d been allowed to experience. I ran down the sidewalk with the kids, took them to the shops they pulled me into, and remembered that each moment, whether it’s what I expect or want is a gift. 

“Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going to work, and walking around life - and place it as an offering.” ~Romans 12:1-2

Sunday afternoon, when I finally had some time to sit I decided to scroll through Facebook and Twitter. 

BIG MISTAKE. 

People all over were voicing their opinions, their political stances, their fear, their doubt, their questions, reposting pictures, poems and articles. 

Maybe it’s just because I know tragedy. Maybe it’s because I saw my parents go through the painful process of losing their own child. Maybe it’s because of my own experience that I was so angry at how everyone the last week seemed to make the tragedy about them.

Everywhere I looked someone was talking about it, discussing it, debating it, or detailing the events. I guess that is human nature.  I guess it helps them cope. 

But ... I just ..... couldn’t. 

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve prayed for those families, that situation, and every single person affected by the event. I, purposefully, read the names of each sweet child & educator and prayed, specifically, for their families by name. 

 “Pray without ceasing.” ~1 Thessalonians 5:17

But I refuse to buy into everything the media throws out at me. I refuse to keep the television/radio on. I refuse to discuss it with my 7 year old just because everyone else might be and am thankful that her school didn’t decide to have discussion about it on Monday. If she asks, I always answer honestly with the least amount of details given. If she doesn’t, then who am I to take away her innocence and sense of security away? There’s enough of that going on in this world. 

I refuse to live in fear. I refuse to debate politics and gun control. I refuse to dwell on tragedy, or obsess over every article or story out there. I refuse to allow myself to be on “auto pilot”  and not take control of what I see or hear. Just because it is on or in front of me doesn’t mean my ears or eyes need to see it. 

“Be very careful, then how you live...” ~Ephesians 5:15

I’m not afraid to send my kids to school each day. I know down to my core that every single person caring for them would do everything humanly possible to keep them safe. I know that there is a hedge of protection around each of them and that no matter what happens, my God is in control, not me. 

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” ~Joshua 1:9

I, personally, know about living in fear. I, personally, know about questioning and doubting. I, also, personally know that it gets us nowhere. 

“I have told you these things so that in my you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

If we want the world to be a better place, it’s up to US to make it that sort of place. You job is to bless: 

Love more, hate less. 

Encourage more, criticize less. 

Give more, take less.

Do more, watch less. 

Pray more, complain less. 

Less YOU. More GOD. 

“Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.” ~ 1 Peter 3:8

xoxoxo
xoxo
xo
Tisha