Become Thankful in 40 Days

9 years ago I sat in my car realizing that the world around me was more negative than I ever expected. I was going through a difficult time and had a revelation that I did not have to join in the negativity of the crowd. I decided to start a movement that started within me first. I began posting my gratitude on social media. One day turned into two and so on until I was at the end of 40 days. 

If this sounds like a place that you're coming from, keep reading. . . 

A question I continue to ask of my family and my students is this: Are you using the power of social media to help or hinder those around you? 

In those early years of #40days, I didn't blog about my experience and I wish I had. The transformation within me is what helped me get through some of my worst days and years. 

My first blog (40 is all you need) talks about changing the world with an attitude that isn't driven by the issues and struggles in your life. 

My second blog (Grab Gratitude) tells exactly how 40 Days of Thankfulness was birthed and how one single declaration a day can help change your attitude altogether. 

You can visit my past blogs to read about Maria's gratitude story , how 40 Days WILL Change You, and my perspective on gratitude in the middle of our childhood cancer days with #superJace. 

I started this blog based on my belief that gratitude is one of the most powerful keys to living life to the fullest. 

You cannot and will not grow until you take time to stop and breathe out a moment of gratitude. 

40 Days of Thankfulness is simply about cleansing your mind and detoxing yourself from the negative, toxic thoughts, comparison to others,  bitterness, unforgiveness, low self-esteem, focus on lack or dwelling on mistakes. 

I cannot promise you it will be easy. 

It will not. 

Every single year within the 40 days, something I have struggled with has been revealed. Every single year, I've had to stretch myself to overcome a situation or a thought that has had power over me. 

When you commit yourself to take 40 days to declare even the smallest gratitude you will begin teaching yourself to live a new level and will change your heart and your life in the process. 

So, how does #40days work? 

You choose where to document your thankful. You can write it in a journal (as shown below). 

You can post it on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram (don't forget to include hashtag #40days) If you're a SnapChat user, you can also snap it to your story so that your friends see it. 

The idea is to declare one gratitude per day. Some days you may have what we call a "bonus gratitude" or an extra good day where you want to acknowledge your blessing. 

Eventually your friends will start asking what you're up to, that's when you'll share this page with them and have them join you, too! https://www.facebook.com/40daysofthankfulness/ 

{They do not have to have facebook to see this public page.}

In years past to get the kids involved, we've bought a large poster frame, thrown on some chalkboard spray paint and let them use chalkboard markers to declare their own gratitude. They LOVE makers and seeing the board after 40 days with thankfulness in their own handwriting is fun for all of us and a good conversation started for visitors.  

                     

            
 
           

You could also write your daily thankful on some pretty scrapbook paper strips and add it to a jar to go back through and read later. 

There is no right or wrong way to do this. However, writing it down is imperative to your success. 

You will want to stop.

Like anything that grows you, you will want to resist it. You will come up with every excuse in the book. 

"I had a long day. I was too tired. I didn't have time. This day had nothing good in it. I can't think of anything. I didn't feel well enough. The kids kept me too busy. I was out late."

Look, I know. I KNOW. 

But you have to push through those days and moments. 

Join the Facebook Page we've created for you! Accept and "Go" the current year's 40 Days of Thankfulness event. You will have support there and many gratitude friends to cheer you on. 

The event page will list for you the days we've set aside to start and end, but if you want to start immediately, DO IT! :) 

The ending date is intentionally set so that you will end your 40 days the week of Thanksgiving. 

Now,  prepare your mind for these next 40 days! 

#40days

https://www.facebook.com/40daysofthankfulness/

Perfect Imperfection

So the imperfection about reading my blog is that I don't blog consistently, but you can bet it will always be from my heart and as genuine as I can capture it for you. 

 I've been quiet on here for a lot longer than I anticipated. Most days I just don't know what to say mostly because there is so much on my heart I cannot even begin to put it into words. There isn't a tweet or Facebook status or IG picture that can even come close. 

This "perfect imperfection" theme has popped up more than once the last week and I wonder if it's God trying to send me a little message. 

You see, I don't think people expect me to be perfect. I DO NOT feel anywhere near perfect and really hope they just see me as I am. Maybe deep down this is one of my childhood wounds that keeps popping up without me really knowing it. 

I debate a lot with what I share about my childhood and that is the sole reason that I haven't finished my book. I'm still figuring out how to present it all and, honestly, still trying to work through it all. Despite those that {thought} they knew my family, they definitely didn't see what was happening behind closed doors. It was difficult to go through and writing it all into words is proving to be even more difficult. 

My mom did expect perfection. I'm pretty sure if you ever talked to her you probably heard different. It was mostly in her actions and words if I happened to mess up even a little bit. My parents did run a tight ship, but for my mom there was a lot of anger with things not being perfect. I remember very often wondering why I would be grounded for something so simple as missing a room while vacuuming or for not loading the dishwasher to her level of expectation. 

I remember talking about anything that might not have been perfect was off the table even up until right before she passed. That included my brother's death, the plan upon either of them passing, the plans for the properties {in my name} that I wasn't allowed to visit alone, how to handle my brother's disabilities and his services or even our own relationship. 

It was like that pretty much my whole life. That's probably one of the reasons I've become an open book. If you are having a one-on-one conversation with me, I most likely will answer any question you can come up with. Cancer, adoption, death, divorce, grieving, faith, God, prayer.....

I so wanted to just be transparent with those around me, including my kids. I was tired of pretending that everything was great when it wasn't. So now I just go with what's happening and try to be as honest as I can while trudging through the valley. 

I do have some great support and have surrounded myself with those that I feel comfortable sharing my story or the story of now. But when I cannot even talk about the circumstances above without bursting into tears, I usually will just smile and come up with something nifty to say instead. If you happen to ask about my dad or brother, I usually can't answer you right away. I only get to talk to my brother once or twice a month and I only know what the drs/nurses tell me about my dad. I'm SUPER protective of sharing information about them right now especially publically on social media. 

There is NO WAY to spin the circumstances I'm in for the positive.  I mean, clearly, I know God is doing that for me even if I cannot see it, but humanly, all I see and feel is despair and desperation for this long season to be over. When I look back over my almost 40 years I see a lot of pain and struggling and wonder what I've been doing wrong or what I need to do different to get out of this desert. 

I am in this weird grieving stage right now that I know is normal. {been there done that many times before} 

I'm angry that I'm being left with so much to figure out when it all could've been avoided. I'm SUPER annoyed that all of these situations took a turn for the worse during my son's cancer treatment.  I'm sad that I cannot be closer to my dad or brother and that where they are is a much better situation than them being here with me in Texas. I'm sad that I cannot keep and preserve anything from my previous life, including the lake house that holds so many memories and moments. 

And then...

I am also grateful which makes it all even more weird. 

I'm so thankful that God has intervened in my life more times than I can even see or speak about. I'm so thankful for those at my church, at my work, and in my home that love me, encourage me, help me, guide me, cheer for me, pray for me, and allow me to go through all of these emotions at the same time. I'm thankful that NM takes better care of those that need assistance than TX does. I'm thankful for those who visit my brother and dad and help to take care of things they need. I'm grateful for the family I have and for all the days I get to see my kids grow and experience life. 

My gratitude really does overflow even when I'm sitting in the valley crying out for it to be all over. 

This morning I woke to a few empowering text messages: 

"You are AMAZING. You are BEAUTIFUL. You cannot be DEFEATED." 

"God has big plans for you and is going to use your pain to create gain in your life." 


Then, I headed to Instagram to scroll through some of my favorite feeds and found this gem from @pastorraley: 

{Ps. 37: The steps of the righteous or ordered of the Lord...David penned the words as a wise old king. Gone are the days of killing giants, military campaigns and youthful motivations. He now leads a powerful, united kingdom. His greatest weapon at this stage of his life is not a sling, a spear or a sword. His greatest weapon in his EXPERIENCE. He could look back on the goodness and faithfulness of Jehovah and realize that through it all, God had ordered his steps. There comes a point in life where your greatest advantage is the lessons you've learned through past battles and challenges. You come to realize you've actually been empowered by the journey.}

It's sort of miraculous how God uses others to confirm the message he put on my heart last night: 

God doesn't waste suffering. 

4 Reasons TimeHop Heals Me

If you're not what you'd call "tech savvy," then you probably haven't heard of the app Time Hop. (iOS version; Android version) 

It's a cute, little free app for your phone that will remind you what you were doing 1 year ago today. Depending on how long you've been using social media and which platforms you were posting to, it also has the ability to tell you what you were doing 2 years ago, 3 years ago and so on. 

Basically, you enter your Facebook, Twitter and/or Instagram usernames and passwords and Time Hop pulls from those feeds in order to show you your very own "This Day in History." 

Now, if you've been reading my blog for any amount of time you know I've been struggling a lot lately. Death and cancer have tried to invade my life and my happiness. Some days are more difficult than others, but, usually, everyday some of my best moments come from looking back at my time hop feed and seeing what I was doing in years past at this time. 

4 Reasons TimeHop Heals Me: 

1. It reminds me of all that I've been given. There's nothing like having a low moment and scrolling through the day's time hop to see sweet faces of my kids when they were babies or being reminded of the love Jason and I share and all the times we've spent together.  Time hop reminds me of God's miracles as I re-watch #superJace and his cancer journey each day. 

2. It shows me what I believe. My favorite pastor always says "What you believe is more important than what anyone will ever tell you." I've been a "gratitude girl" for a very long time and faithful for a lot longer. No matter how many times I get knocked down it's always been my tendency to pop back up stronger and wiser. If I ever forget, time hop is always there to show me what I stand for and what I believe. 

3. It teaches me that where I am now isn't where I'm going to stay. The last 2 years have been looooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggg and even that is an understatement. There have been many days that I've felt stuck (like last blog post) and felt like this place is the only place I'll ever be. And yet, time hop sweetly teaches me that This Too Shall Pass is a life truth we shouldn't forget. 

4. It prompts me to live in the moment. Life is short. We aren't promised tomorrow. Do the things you can and take on the opportunities given to you. As I look back on each day's feed, I see the legacy I'm leaving and living. I see the family I'm growing and the traditions we are forming. I see the faith and the values we are instilling. It's sort of like Time Hop has allowed me to see my own life in motion and reminds me of what I truly hold important. 

=

Unraveling

"Are the days getting any better?"
"Just wanted to check on you. It seems like you're struggling a lot lately." 

I'm so thankful for people who are brave enough to actually check in on me. I know my life and it's struggles can be overwhelming to others, even intimidating.  (it is for me, too)

i sit. 

i cry out. 

i pray. 

i praise. 

There's so much of my story that I haven't shared yet. So many details of my own iceberg that isn't visible to the rest of the world. So many things I've wanted to share, but was silenced because of shame or fear. 

I am grieving the death of my mom. But that's not all. 

I'm grieving having to put my dad in a facility 500 miles away from me because of Alzheimer's and dementia. 

I'm grieving my brother having to have his own guardian now who is not a family member. 

I'm grieving my family. 

I'm grieving the unraveling. 

The truth is that so many things with my family of origin was a facade. More things than you can even imagine. Things that I know. Things that I saw. Things that I experienced. Things that if I told them to you, you'd probably tell me I was making it all up. 

Boy, do I wish I was. 

Someone asked me last week if I felt alone. 

Yes. I do feel alone a lot, but it's not a new feeling. I felt that way long before this season. I know that feelings are not the truth, though. 

The truth is that I am struggling. 

The truth is behind this face, this smile, this attitude of gratitude, I do struggle with this season. I wonder why. I wonder when I will find a time of rest. I wonder why me. 

I don't share all of this with you so you will pity me. 

I simply share it with you because I want someone out there, someone like me, someone struggling to know they are not alone. 

I share all of this with you so that my fear and shame will no longer have a voice. 

In my truth and in my story, I'm finding authenticity. 

All the while still going on this journey with Jace. Yesterday during chemo, we found out his end-of-treatment date. Yes, I'm thankful we have an end date. At the same time, I'm grieving the expectation I had that the date was sooner and the expectation I had for his kindergarten year. 

Without revealing the date (we want Jace to do that himself), I will say that he will be in treatment for his entire kindergarten school year. My hope was that he would be able to enjoy at least part of it as a "normal" kid. 

The truth is I am thankful through it all. I am praising even through the tears and the grief. 

God is good. I want those that read my story or see me in person to know that is always the bottom line for me. 

He has shown me His faithfulness and love time and time again. I never want my grief or my struggle or my pain to overpower that bottom line. 

I am not alone.

I am loved. 

I am highly favored. 

...and so are you. 

xoxo

Indestructible Me

"Keep pretending everything is fine. 
Keep doing the thing that only benefits you. 
One day you'll see you're not in control. 
One day you'll see how you could've been loved." 

God uses storms to cleanse us. Sometimes He has to fiercely work on people to bring them closer to Him. 

I know storm after storm is meant to cleanse me. Some storms are about me and some aren't. But there are days when I often ask "WHY?" and cry out "I'm drowning!" 

Then, I go back and forth with myself and my circumstances (some public, some not). 

"WHY NOT ME?" 

This one phrase humbles me to my knees every single time. 

One day you'll read how He redeemed me, protected me, saved me, and loved me because even after all of the uphill climbs and the many miles, every single time I look back all I see is His complete and authentic love. 

Today, as I was just about to lose sight of trusting and having faith in the unseen, I glanced over at a shirt that was sent to my by Vanessa, owner and creator of RUFFLES  WITH LOVE. 

She's started a new line for indestructible women and is using her website to tell their stories and inspire women like them. 


                             


I was so honored to be able to wear one of her new shirts. So after a long day at work, I pulled myself off of the couch and slipped it over my head. 

There was something empowering about wearing it. It reminded me how strong I am, how strong I've been, how even on the days I think I'm the weakest, He still guides me and keeps His armor around me no matter what chaos, selfishness, drama, negativity, or criticism is swirling around me. 

Circumstances still haven't destroyed me. 

And they won't. 

Still running my race. 

Focused on the goal. 

Anchored in Him. 

Gratitude. 

Dear Teachers

Dear teachers of our 3 "littles,"

I'm so thankful for YOU today. You will probably spend more time with them than we will this year. You'll teach them, love them, direct them and protect them. You'll watch them grow, see them run and play, cheer when they master a concept, and probably see them shed a tear or two. We hope you experience authentic joy while you spend time getting to know each of them and see what we see in them that is so precious. We pray for you daily because raising kids takes a village and now you are part of our family...our village. 

Love, prayers and gratitude....

The Poncios 

Struggle is Real

This struggle is real. The journey is long. I'm imperfect and vulnerable.

I've been doing my best to be as candid as possible during this journey with Jace and his leukemia treatment, but it is proving to be harder and harder. And since I'm working through all of that it's best to do that here, in my own space. 

I will update on Jace's treatment and progress and all of the cool things he gets to do (Make A Wish & Kenna's Kids) on his Caring Bridge & FB later this week. So, if you follow there, be watching. 

But here I am working out everything on my heart and mind and trying to keep all of that separate for those that just want to hear about Jace. 

Here's some of what's been in my head lately: 

*Our struggle is definitely not as difficult as others' & they deserve more help/love than we do. 

*I don't want to be grateful in this moment. 

*I'm making a bigger/smaller deal of this journey than I should be.  

*I'm so much more than just "Super Jace's Mom." 

*Where do I belong now? 

This journey doesn't get easier.

 If you've been my friend BEFORE cancer then you know gratitude is at the heart of my spirit. 

This struggle is real. The journey is long. I'm imperfect and vulnerable. 

Earlier this week, the girls convinced me to take them to see the movie "The Fault in Our Stars." 

WHY? We are living this life and don't need to see someone else make it what it's not. 

Movies like this, that try to give other people a view into some kind of lifestyle, are typically FAR from reality. 

This one is not any different than the others. 

I'm sure there are some parts that triggered tears from those who have lived this cancer life. 

I was not one of them. 

Maybe it's because I've cried enough tears in the last few years over this journey to meet my movie-crying quota forever. 

Maybe it's because I've watched other families lose their children to cancer and saw how real and raw that pain is. 

Maybe it's because the reality of cancer was not what was staring back at me on the screen. 

Maybe it's because I know that Hollywood and most of the real world is afraid of seeing the reality cancer has on patients and families. It's easier to make everyone look pretty and have it all end in a neatly packaged, scripted 120 minute movie. 

Then, everyone can get up, walk away from the theatre and go back to living their lives with blinders on. 

That's easier. 

I get that. 

I get it. But I'm not living it.

This journey can do a number on your mind and heart and relationships. I've said before how isolating it is and how alone it makes you feel and it is still true. 

It's so much easier to just stay in our safe place all together than go out and try to be "normal." 

And while easier, we do our very best to continue to feel the fear and do it anyway. We know that God has given us this journey for a reason far bigger than we know. 

When I get tired of speaking or telling our story, I'm reminded that God wants us to share the struggles as well as the victories.

I'm reminded that I AM worthy of love and help. 

I'm reminded how being grateful in all things can change your heart even in the toughest times.

I'm humbled by His grace and how out of a thousand people if just one comes forward and says that our story or our faith has helped them in some way, that was His purpose. 

Thank you, Lord, for this day. 
I will rejoice and be glad in in it. 
I will not have a spirit of fear because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 
I am anointed, highly favored and incredibly blessed. 
I will feel the fear and do it anyway. 
I will be a light bringer, an honor giver and I will make someone feel awesome, not awful. 
I was meant to serve, be thankful in all circumstances and elevate my thinking, being and doing and I will do that today. 
Amen. 

Fly

I'm not enough. 
I'm not worthy. 
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not skinny enough. 
I'm not rich enough. 
I'm not valuable. 
I'm not significant. 
I'm not good enough. 
I'm not polished enough. 


Last week, I had to do something that re-opened a wound that I still have difficulty letting go of after many, many, many years. This wound has a way of taking me to the root of all of my pain and rehashing it all out over and over. By the time the week was over, I was unsure of everything I knew.  

Because Sunday started my week off in pain, I had difficulty just getting through the week. 

Getting up and getting motivated was hard. Wednesday was especially hard. This leukemia journey with Jace is long. There's not much else to say. To everyone he looks great. He has his hair back and runs with boundless energy. This IS a victory. 

As we drove home Sunday afternoon, we listened to a sermon that spoke directly to me. 

Everyone knows the story of David and Goliath. Everyone knows it ends in Victory. But not everyone knows about "the grind" behind the story. 

David is hands-down my favorite character in the Bible. He wasn't perfect, but he was raw, honest, deep and faithful. I love his acute awareness for God and his need for God in his life. 

Monday, I started the week feeling tired of the grind and ready to just give up. 

The week didn't get easier, but by Thursday my sweet husband had paid for me to go to our church's women's conference. I, truthfully, had to force myself to go. I was not in the mood for much of anything, but I sat as a woman talked to me about patience as God places us in an environment to receive what God will give us. 

Patience. 

OK, God. I'm listening. 

The next night I sat as a women repeated me to me all of the things I had been telling myself. All of the first things you read when you first opened this entry. 

She immediately pointed us to Galatians 6:3. 

Boom. In your face, Tisha. 

"If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves."

For weeks, I've been discouraged and tired of sharing my/our story. I'm out of words. I don't feel worthy enough to share. I don't feel polished enough to speak to people about it. I'm tired of "being inspiring." I've been on my knees begging for a break from "the grind." 

And then I heard an angel (who is also named Natalie) speak directly to me: "Share your story. Speak your truth. You were saved to save. You were blessed to bless. You were loved to love. There are people only you can reach." 

Boom. Again. 

Ok, God. I'm willing. I will stop deceiving myself. I will look past myself in order to go out in the world and grab what you have for me. I hear You.

The grind is tiring. The grind isn't easy. It's always harder when you get deep into the middle of it all. It never looks that hard when you start out and it always looks easier to those watching you.  I'm not trying to be inspiring most days. I'm just trying to get up and be sure the kids are taken care of and that we all eat and get enough sleep. My faith is solid, but just because of that doesn't mean I'm signed up for an easy life. 

Seven days ago I was in a much different place than I am in today. 

I'm listening. I'm stepping aside to let God in my boat because even if it's sinking, HE is there to carry me above the waves. 


I'm leaning into willingness. 
I'm leaning into prayer. 
I'm leaning into the word. 
I'm leaning into gratitude. 
I'm leaning into forgiveness. 
I'm leaning into praise. 
I'm leaning into His grace. 
I'm leaning into His love. 

I'm dropping all of the deceiving things I've been telling myself right at the feet of Jesus. He doesn't want me carrying those things around anyway. He didn't create me to be those things. He wants me just as I am. He wants me to embrace me so that I can fly the way He always intended. 

xoxox

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Knowing

I knew. 

There may be some reading this with doubts, but I knew Jace had #leukemia before the doctors and the blood test confirmed it. The weeks and months leading up to January 26, 2013 were a time for God to prepare my heart, mind, and faith. I had A LOT of "talks" with God and somehow I just knew cancer would change our lives. I did the bargain prayer. I did the questioning: We've been through this, and this, and this, but do we really have to do this now, too?

My conversations with God would read something like a Francine River's novel. 

I knew something in our lives would change. I just didn't know exactly what. 

10:20 pm the night of Jan 26th: I knew we had to get him to the dr immediately. I knew I would have to wake him from his sound sleep. In my core, I knew we didn't have a lot of time. As we drove the tollway to Children's Hospital in Plano, I reviewed the last few hours. 

"Jason, I know you will think I'm crazy, but I'm certain Jace has leukemia." 

"Take him to Children's immediately. Do not wait." Every medically qualified person we talked to or texted from 8 pm - 10 pm told us this after we explained his symptoms. 

As I texted 5 people, praying someone was awake to come stay with our girls (Thank you, Shelsea), I was also packing and instructing Jason to pack for all of us for at least a week. 

I wish now I'd been more sympathetic to his confused look when I told him that. There wasn't time, though, and even my head was spinning out of control at what our life would look like now. 

"He has these bruises here and the spots on his face and in his mouth that have worsened since we left our house."

It took about 1 second for us to get ushered back for the nurse to weigh Jace and check his temperature and than only about 1 more second to get us to a room and then maybe 2 seconds for the ER doctor to come. 

If you've ever visited the emergency room, you know that's not how things usually roll. 

As the doctor checked him and we held him down screaming and crying to take his blood, I knew. 

When the doctor came back in and said.......

Well,  you know what he said. Even the nurse was crying FOR us through her apology. I felt so bad for her. 

Jason dropped to his knees. 

[from Jason: "It was the scariest moment of my life. Through everything I've experienced nothing has even come close to what I felt that night. Your whole world comes crashing down. Everything you prayed for, you realize it could be taken away in an instant. Fear set in, but faith overcame. I'm so thankful for everyone who was there for us in the instant our lives changed."]

Through my tears, I nodded my head and said, "Now what?" 

The wee hours of the morning after that are not a blur. I can tell you pretty much every detail. 

I remember Jace crying as they strapped him down again, this time to the bed in order to be transported by the ambulance to Dallas Children's. 

I remember the faces of the ambulance drivers. I remember just as we loaded up, the oncology doctor ran to me and with tears and smiles said, "I'm 99% sure it's A.L.L."

Jason needed gas in the car, yet also needed desperately to follow the ambulance. I hated that we were all separated from each other. The first of many, many times. 

In the ambulance ride, from my phone I worked ravenously to set up his Caring Bridge. I knew when the sun came up, we would be overwhelmed with love, prayers and messages. 

I remember every person who dropped their Sunday plans to be by our side. I remember having to sit with the girls and tell them "Jace has leukemia." I remember planning every detail of that moment for them so they knew they were supported and loved and would be taken care of no matter what our days brought. 

In the ICU room we were assigned, we were overwhelmed by a zillion doctors asking us to repeat how we got there. 

It was also in that room after a group of men came early that morning that I saw with my own eyes the power of prayer. Hours after their visit, Jace's counts started leveling off so that he was able to leave the ICU AND the Dallas hospital and have his port surgery and treatment in Plano. This was the first of MANY answered prayers. 

We were in Dallas only 7 hours. They expected him to be there much longer. 

God is good. Every time in my life that felt like He wasn't, He proved to me that if I only trust in Him, all will be ok. ALL of that stuff I'd experienced before was only proof of why I should trust Him in all things. He never failed me, never left me. 

I knew this was no different. I knew that Jace was just as precious to Him as he was to me. 

The only control we have over anything in this life is over our attitude, our faith, and our love. 

Many days and many nights our only survival was our faith. 

Today, we know we will never be as we were before January 2013. We won't respond to people or situations the way we did before. We won't waste time worrying or fretting over what could happen. We won't take any day for granted. 

We will love abundantly. 

We are thankful in all things. 
We are thankful for 2013 and all it brought into our lives: good and bad. 

We will savor these precious moments in time with our family. 

We choose to focus on helping others who are where we've been.

We choose faith over fear. 

We know that is the only way to live. 

xoxo

Embrace the Unraveling

I sat in my closet with a single Christmas cookie, giant glass of water, scissors, tape, wrapping paper, and the last few presents in need of wrapping. 

David Lantz's "The First Noel" played from my phone. 

It was only the first full day of no social media and already I felt FULL of more life and joy than in months prior. 

I realized after a quick visit to the dollar store that this challenge was allowing God to make my interactions with others more intentional and divine. 

At first, I hid on the back aisles fearing I'd have an up-close view of the loud voices complaining about trivial things. I only went for one item yet walked out 40 minutes later. 

As I found my chance to dart for the door, I spotted her and she spotted me. We made eye contact. I knew she knew how I felt for she was going through a very similar experience. Turns out she had been on the back aisles minutes before hearing someone else complain. Our interaction that day was God sent for both of us. Finding people who really can identify with the emotions, the fears, the anxieties, life smallest joys.....Priceless. 

Before we parted ways, I re-quoted a quote from my favorite non-profit, Peach's Neet Feet: 

"Embrace the Unraveling."

Yes, THAT is what I've learned from 2013. 

No matter how bad things were or how hard the days were to get through, I know that the only thing in my control was my response. I could either be grateful despite it all or bitter despite it all. 

"Embrace the Unraveling."

As I sat in the closet, I realized I was being more intentional with my interactions, more genuine with my words, and more disciplined with my time. 

Here's what I can tell you: 

It wasn't easy the first week. 
I'm still checking messages on our FB pages and posting #superJace updates. 
I have no idea what anyone else is doing and I'm ok with that. 
I've read 4 books. Yep. FOUR. And almost finished with my 5th. 
I've painted furniture! 
I've called and talked to people just to talk. 
I've had some mind-blowing thoughts, yet saved them for myself instead of the world. 
I've learned to sit and just listen to whatever is happening around me: drum beats, dollhouse pretend play, football games, music, the dishwasher, crackling fire, the wind, or nothing at all. 
I don't have to post where I am on every outing accompanied by a photo or a selfie. 
I cooked and cooked and cooked for fun. 
I wrote in my journal. 
Organized items for Operation Love. 
Jason and I talked more. 
I played dolls and drums and watched Disney movies the kids picked out. 


Not only does my family have my undivided attention, but, most importantly, God does. And I can tell you that He's already placed new things on my heart to grow through. He's teaching me, molding me and leading me. 

I'm more in His presence because I'm allowing Him to be more in mine. 

I had to take a break from the world. The last year was one of the biggest seasons of my life and it's only fair that I take time to reflect and learn from it so I can move forward with more strength than ever. :)  

Wishing you lots of love, gratitude, and favor for your 2014! 

xoxoxo

Levels of Gratitude and Thanksgiving

One of the biggest misconceptions is that everyone's gratitude will look the same. That is the biggest downfall of practicing gratitude: comparison. 

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to speak with a group of church ladies. When I arrived, I had no idea that they were studying: Lord, Change MY ATTITUDE by James McDonald & Barb Pell 

The chapter just happened to be about gratitude. 

I love how God works all things together for our good. He even works out the smallest of details and if we are present and conscious enough we won't miss them. 

I can vividly take myself back to that moment in the small church that so much resembled the little church I grew up in. Their smiles, their stories, their hearts opened up so much love in my own heart. I was so glad I took my oldest daughter with me. We were able to share our mission of #OperationLove with them and to sit with them during their study of McDonald's book.

My biggest takeaway was this: Our gratitude cannot be compared because we are all on a different level on any given day. 

When we look into a mirror we see our own reflection. We do not look exactly like anyone else. We do not think like anyone else. We do not THANK like anyone else. 

"Faith grows in the soil of gratitude." 

Earlier today on https://www.facebook.com/40daysofthankfulness I posted this photo: 

This level of thankfulness is what we all want to achieve but just like we cannot go from kindergarten to college we cannot easily be thankful for the bad. 

It's easy to be thankful for the good. To be thankful IN the bad, THAT is what we all need to strive for daily. 

Some of us are on the "kindergarten" level of thankfulness. We are thankful when the good stuff happens, when it's Thanksgiving Day/Week, when we are reminded by others to be thankful for what we have, but mostly the feeling just isn't always there and we fall into complaint more often than we'd like to admit. 

Others of us are on the "high school" level of thankfulness. We are thankful and can make the choice to be thankful. We also can always find something to be  thankful for, but in the bad times we are, typically, tripped up and fall back into the "why me?" state of mind. 

To experience pure joy, we have to reach the collegiate level of thankfulness. "To give thanks always for all things." That's the goal. To be able to be thankful even in the bad things, even in the things you wouldn't choose - that's where the joy is. 

I'm often told "This isn't as easy as I thought. How do I find gratitude now? I just can't be where you are. I just don't know how you are being thankful while cancer is changing your life."

BUT I AM. 

Granted, I've had lots of practice. 

If you took time to read the journals shown here and were able to weed through all of the "boy nonsense," you'd be able to see that I have always tried to see the good in the worst situations. I could look at my life as a journey filled with the worst, but doing that only makes my present worse. As my journals become more recent, my gratitude comes out in full force and is much more apparent. I began seeing what was REALLY important and that put me on a spiritual journey that I'm still growing in. 

It did not happen overnight. Nothing ever does. It's all about being consistent. If you aren't good with consistent healthy eating, working out, spending, or prayer, then you can bet your consistency with gratitude will also need some work. 

You didn't graduate from kindergarten and immediately graduate from high school. You had a lot of work, practice and consistent accountability first. The same thing has to happen with your gratitude. 

Leave a journal by YOUR bed, leave a sticky note pad, keep a stack of 3 x 5 cards and every night before bed write down ONE thing you're thankful for EVERY night. That alone will take you to a new level of gratitude and change your attitude. 

If someone were to be able to see your thoughts, would they mostly see negative, unappreciative, and petty frustrations? Or would they see you being full of praise even during illness, loss, or struggle? 

In every moment, ask yourself: AM I CHOOSING THANKFULNESS NOW?

Gratitude isn't something I've "achieved." Gratitude is something I have to consciously choose every second just like the next person. I just know from a lifetime of experience that gratitude will ground you so that even tragic life-changing events cannot tear you down. 

And on that note, from my family to yours, we wish you the happiest of Thanksgiving Days filled with joys, laughter, and love even if it's in the midst of loud kids, dirty dishes, or lots of travel. 

"The smallest things really are BIG things." 

Love & gratitude,