40 is all you need

As the sun sets and I see less and less of it peeking at me through my window, I hear a little voice calling, "Mama......" Music plays from my phone and "I just wanna say thank you" drowns out the noise of the fan. My plan was not to write. My plan was to get to bed early and try to relax before another long day, but all that was in my head needed a release. 

The new school year has brought about later nights, more homework, more take out, tired and crabby kids and a mom and dad who seem to meet each other coming and going. If you have any kids in school and after-school activities, you are probably living a very similar life. 

Even if you aren't living with kids who are busy, you probably have a lot going on yourself. Work, friends, family, spouse or significant other, church, and other commitments. 

I only thought I was busy before. This is a new kind of busy and I admit that I'm having to restructure my days, nights, and thoughts. 

And let's not kid ourselves. In just 111 days Christmas will be upon us which means that in the next few weeks you'll be running around like crazy buying Halloween items, contributing for various parties, decorating your house better than your friends' Pinterest boards, planning big Thanksgiving menus, checking off gifts from your many lists, trying to come up with creative ways to place your Elf on the Shelf and in the middle of it all trying to take it all in and breathe in your thankfulness for every second of the chaos. 

You don't have to pretend with me. I know.  

Today, I encountered a student at the school I teach. I noticed him last week. He was in the office dressed up. I just thought he had a special occasion and went on my way. But today I passed him in the hall. He was dressed up again and carrying boxes. I, casually, asked if he had another special gig and he said, "No." 

That conversation left me wondering about his story. I mean, after all, not many HS kids take school seriously, so why would they dress for the occasion? As God would have it, I ran into him a third time and this time I decided to sit and chat with him around the conference room table. I sat down and said, "Tell me what brought you to this moment. Why dress up everyday?" 

He told me, "I was tired of being how I was before, so one day I woke up and decided to change one thing. I decided instead of spending lots of money on t-shirts and jeans, I'd spend money on a few really good shirts, ties, and suit jackets." 

I asked "So, are people responding to you differently?" 

Him: "Yes! People were giving me high fives. Teachers take more notice of me. I feel more confident and important." 

I continued to chat with him telling him that our meeting wasn't a coincidence. I told him that my "thing" was gratitude. I asked him to update me throughout the year on if people respond differently after the initial change. He told me I reminded him of Will Smith. (yeah, I'm still a little confused about that one myself.) I think it had to do with my passion. ;)  

What I didn't tell him (yet) was that, typically, when you choose to stand out, be different, or elevate yourself past the norm, people will begin to challenge you, criticize you, or mock you. 

Over the past 5 years, I've had plenty of "friends" choose to stay out of my life because of my grateful attitude. I've had family challenge my belief that it is one of the best acts you can practice. I've been mocked by friends I thought were close friends as recently as this summer. 

This week posted on our Twitter/FB accounts: 

"So many people today are blindly living, blindly speaking, and blindly acting. #Gratitude on purpose will help you SEE." 

What will it help you see? 

Being thankful will help you see that not everything is destroyed. It will teach you to have hope in people you didn't believe in before. It will show you that your plan, though good, maybe not be best. It can remind you that your riches have nothing to do with your bank account, car, home, or clothes. It can help you forgive those you couldn't forgive before. It might mend a relationship that you thought was lost forever. You will begin to see a light within yourself shining brighter than ever. People will begin to wonder "What is she/he doing differently? How can I have that, too?" 

If you want to change the world and YOUR world, you have to stop allowing your issues to determine your attitude. 

It was in the midst of one of my lowest points in life that the 40 Days of Thankfulness Challenge was born. I could not surround myself with all of the negative people and their words. It was in that single moment I decided to change. Just as the boy I write about. It only takes a single moment, a single act to change your life. 

I'm challenging you to act. Go to our 40 Days of Thankfulness FB page and "like" it. 

https://www.facebook.com/40daysofthankfulness

Think of people in your life that might benefit from a thankful attitude, as well. 

Be on the lookout for our 40 Days of Thankfulness Challenge Event. (coming soon!)

Do take time to get your mind right and heart open. 

I've seen several lives changed because I simply asked them to join me in 40 Days of Thankfulness. I got to see their transformation, firsthand. They thank me for the challenge, but, truly, they should be thanking themselves for being open enough to begin their one change. 

"The change that makes us greatly uncomfortable is the change that holds the biggest transformation." ~tisha poncio 

Gratitude #627

Yes, you read that right. I've been doing daily gratitudes for 627 days. Prior to this point and during my divorce I began the 40 Days of Thankfulness challenge. That challenge changed my life! 

I had no idea how many negative thoughts and words were creeping into my day until I began consciously taking note of the good things that were right in front of me. 

Because of the storm I was in, this was the perfect time to step out of the "boat" and find something better. I just did not have any idea how much it would change my life. 

Through 40 Days of Thankfulness I began making friends of friends of friends. Some of those friends have become a few of my greatest friends ever. 

Through 40 Days I began seeing that people were seeking something better. They wanted to be better and to live better. They wanted to find happiness no matter where they were standing in their lives. 

This prompted me to start a 365 Days of Gratitude group on Facebook for those that said to themselves, "40 Days did that?! I want to keep going!" Of course, 365 days of gratitudes is a huge commitment and when challenged with it myself, I quietly laughed and "said that would be HARD." 

You see, I accepted that challenge and kept going. I kept going because I knew I really wanted to engrain gratitude into every single crevice of my life, including my past, especially my past. I knew being thankful for every difficult time or difficult relationship was key to not being locked up in pain and misery for the rest of my life. 

As I grew in my gratitude, the book I knew I wanted to write began taking shape. Soon after I decided on a name. I would say the name of the book out loud to myself alone in the car or jot it down anytime I was on a conference call. As I continued to do this, I began envisioning the cover of the book and what would soon end up as the logo you see on this blog and on the other social networking sites we use. 

If anyone had told me during those difficult and emotional days of my divorce that something good would come of it, I probably would've doubted them. 

What I realize now is that my doubt was really doubting God.  

"He works all things together for good." ~Romans 8:28

It's always hard to see during a time of heartache, hurt, and struggle how things will work out for good when things seem that they cannot get any worse. 

I tell you this from my own experience that started exactly 24 years ago today. 

So what is my 627th gratitude? 

It is simply this: 

Thank you, Lord, for showing my doubting spirit over and over and over again that YOU will take anything bad that comes into my life and turn it into something amazingly beautiful. Thank you for teaching me that  YOU are bigger, stronger, and more loving than any struggle I will ever face. Thank you. 

*This post is in memory of my baby brother, John. He taught so many of us to "Stop and Smell the Roses." Life is too precious to complain and nit pick through our lives. Be thankful in all things. 

Keep Calm & Fight On

It was 2007 and MySpace was my social network of choice. I remember teaching high school computers. I always prided myself in keeping up to date with the new and most popular technologies. It didn't take me long to realize social networking could be good and bad. 


Like anything else those crazy kids started using, I decided to get myself an account and see what all the hype was about. I knew it looked fun: adding music to my profile, adding an updated picture of myself, and finding a background I liked. 


What I didn't expect was how creating a profile would connect me to people I had not even thought about since I was in school (80's & 90's).


At first it started slow, but then I found myself amazed at how all of our lives had changed. It was great seeing so many of my friends had married, had children, and had abundant lives. It was sad to see those who divorced or maybe had not had life turn out as they had expected so long ago. 


It was in 2007 that I found a long time friend of mine in that crazy MySpace place. Candi and I had been only a year apart in school, but fate brought us to become friends and God brought us to be better friends as adults. 


I was a sixth grader and by all accounts was not cheerleader material. For some crazy idea (like many of my ideas), I thought trying out to be a cheerleader was a good one. Now, mind you, it was not even a whole year since my brother had been gone. Looking back, I see God played a HUGE part in this scenario. I tried out and made alternate. THAT was a door only God could open. So, I went about my business until one day by some twist of fate, the phone rang. The voice on the other end told me that one of the four girls moved and I'd be cheering on the squad in the fall. Really? What are the odds? I'm sure my parents were just as floored. :) 


Candi and I cheered different games since we were in different grades. We were not bff's and, to be honest, I cannot remember really talking to her that much. After high school, I was most concerned about getting out of that small town and moving on.  


Fast forward almost twenty years and we both found ourselves reconnecting in a way that did not even exist back then. I remember reaching out to her first and we immediately realized that it was not an accident that we had stumbled upon each other. We kept in contact almost daily. We both saw each other through some really rough and discouraging days. 


Then, the day came that we both merged ourselves over to Facebook. Funny how we all abandoned the "other" site. I remember her posting a status about taking Karly to the dr. Then, I remember her emailing me. Karly's test results were not good. I was speechless. What do you say to someone who's just got the worst news of their life? 
(www.caringbridge.com/visit/karly) 


2009. It seems like forever ago. I remember crying for them, praying for them, and offering whatever I could to help. We went to visit them in Houston several times and even had the chance to join them during a service with Joel Osteen as Joel's mom prayed for Karly. My girls loved Karly, too. :) Her bright eyes and bright smile can capture lots of hearts. 

I enjoyed being around her as we'd talk about computers, video editing and such. She is definitely not a girly girl and I enjoyed that I about her. No matter what, she made me smile and calmed my spirit. Weird. She was going through a time of struggle and she was calming me. Not many people in our lives can do that, so when it happens take note, be grateful, and pass it on. 


This Saturday there will be a 5K run/walk for Karly's medical expenses. She will have to have another surgery soon and this one will take many weeks of recovery. 


When Candi told me it might be in the works I said I'd be there without hesitation. How could I miss it? I love 5K's, but, most of all, I love Candi and Karly. 


A friend and I decided to make team shirts in honor of Karly and when I asked Karly what she wanted her "saying" to be, she told me "Keep Calm & Fight On." 


Perfect. 


So, this weekend I will be going back to the place I call home. The place where many memories lie. The place where my brother was laid to rest. The place where God grew me to be the person I am today. 


Is it ironic that the weekend I'll be there coincides with the anniversary of losing my brother? 


God doesn't do coincidences. 

Grieving

As the creator of OntheWingsofGratitude.com, @WingGratitude via Twitter, and the OTWG FB page, I want to say that I will never claim to know any answers. I sometimes type out the wrong inspirations. Many times I don't even know where the words come from which really is an indication to me that they are not my words, they are HIS words. 

Just like in life many of use tend to mess up HIS message. I am no different. 

Yesterday I posted this on FB/Twitter: 

Grieving is only a stepping stone. We don't have to KEEP grieving that person, illness, marriage or friendship. Grieve, but keep living. #WG

Our friend, Sandy is awesome because she quickly pointed out that she did not agree. She said:  

"I don't agree. Grieving is a process that continues for life. If it were drawn, one would use the infinity symbol. At times grief feels painful, overwhelming, or even non-existent. The path of grief never ends, it just becomes easier to walk on over time. We walk the path for the rest of our lives. Your last sentence is correct. We must keep living while we walk the path."

I happen to agree with her. What I really should have written was that we do not have to let the grieving DEFINE us. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in grieving that we forget who we are and what we have. 

Sandy is exactly right. 

Grieving is a process that never ends. I've said it before especially because I, myself, am living and still grieving. So, I made a point to comment to Sandy and let her know of my misspoken words. 

Grief is something that often consumes us and prevents us from truly moving forward. I think where most of us miss the mark is that we let the grief define our lives. 

Most of us know the steps of grief. 

I speak of this from experience. I have seen people who grieve an illness, a death, a friendship or a marriage and then pick themselves up and try to live and carry on. I have also watched as people close to me never stop grieving. I've watched it consume their emotions, relationships and, sadly, watched it prevent them from ever really experiencing life the way God intended it for them. It was the day that anger set in, stayed and invited bitterness that I saw someone, basically, lay down everything they had. 

I am far from an expert on grief, but I know that once we have to grieve something we are usually always grieving it to some extent everyday. I know that no one is above grief, but some think they are and end up in constant heartache and turmoil.

Paul said " One thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. I press on. . . ." ~Philippians 2:12

It is a strain to grieve and still be able to move forward. There have been days myself that you would have found me still in bed with the covers over my head and my face tear-stained. 

It's been 24 years and I am still grieving the loss of my brother, the loss of the family we once were, the loss of the possibilities that were once ahead of us, and what could have been. 

Two weeks before the day (which was actually this past Wednesday) I become overly emotional. I go into deep thought and prayer. I cry about things that, normally, do no phase me. I have learned over the 24 years of grieving that I have to let myself feel whatever emotion is present. Some years it is anger and some years it is acceptance. I am still learning how to get through it all, as many of you are today. 

Some people need permission to grieve. Most of us know that grieving is a given when we lose someone to death, but what about losing a friendship? Are we suppose to grieve when a long time friendship has ended? Is it ok to grieve an illness or a diagnosis? Is it necessary to grieve a marriage? 

The answer is YES!  We need to grieve anything that was once in our lives and anything that once brought us joy and happiness. We need to cry, and be angry. We cannot stop there, though. We have to get ourself to the acceptance phase of grief in order to be able to live each day more free than the day before. 

Do not let yourself fall into the depression, loneliness, or anger. As I have always said, make sure there are people you can talk to or can go to anytime. Surround yourself with positive words and presence. Better yet, make yourself available to someone else who is grieving. It is amazing how your experience can help others. Often we go through things not only to learn our strength but also to help others to learn theirs. 

Grieving takes more than a strong faith, although, it does help. Grieving takes strength and the ability to balance letting yourself feel the feelings, yet also reminding yourself to get back up and move just one step forward. 

Many days you will move one step forward only to find yourself 3 steps back the next day. Like Sandy said, it is a process. Do not forget to LIVE as you travel through the process. Do not forget to thank God each day you wake up. Do not forget that the process is your story (HIs story) and He is ahead of every single situation in your life. 

Be Still My Soul

We all want to experience a sense of peace. We all want to live day to day in a state of relaxation and feel that all is right with the world. 

In a perfect world, that would be the case. Unfortunately, no matter what our social or financial status, we do not live in a perfect world. Everyone has struggles and everyone finds themselves dealing with some conflict. 

It's easy to tell ourselves "Well, they are good, they have a good marriage." "They have a lot of money so they have no worries." "They have a great job that they love, so they must not struggle at all." 

Lies. Lies. Lies. They are all lies that we are telling ourselves to make our situation seem worse. 


No one, let me say that again, NO ONE is living struggle or stress free. 

For many years, people thought I was living the perfect life. I'm sure they did not have a clue how wrong they were. On the outside everything can seem like all is well. On the inside, though, there's sure to be a much different story. 

Just like with our hearts, our lives cannot contain all the pain without beginning to slowly show symptoms of a much bigger problem. 


Every issue is a heart issue. 


People acting out in anger, people lying, people manipulating, people degrading, people judging, and people gossiping are really just reflections of their heart. They are showing you that something is really wrong. Their actions are really just small indications that they need to fix something bigger.


Typically, these people will deny any issue and blame the first person they can. 


Over the weekend, I was the target of blame. I could feel the anger, I could hear the anger, and I could see the anger. I was caught off guard by the actions that followed the anger and terrified of what might happen because of the anger. 


Fortunately, several people were able to be present and could serve as mediators. 

So how can our souls possibly be still with random situations of conflict popping up? How can we recover from being thrown off by others' rants? How can we respond with honor yet not be walked all over like a mat? 


It all starts with calming your soul when you're not in those situations. It's like a race that you must prepare for weeks prior. You can't expect to run a 5K without having a little bit of training first.


Here's my list of things that might be helpful. Start disciplining yourself now each day so that you will be better equipped to deal with the unplanned conflicts in your life. 

Be Still My Soul

1. Exercise 3-5 times a week. Whatever you choose. High impact, low impact, but be sure to focus your energy on digging deep to finish and strive to be better and faster. This helps focus your negative, angry energy on something else and keeps you fit in the process. Exercise also tends to make you want to eat better and drink more water. It's a WIN,WIN!
2. Add music to your daily regime. Listen in the AM, on the drive to work, while cooking, or before bed. Find tunes that calm your soul and remind you what life is about in a positive way. For me, it's KLOVE! :) 
3. Stay connected to friends. Whether you call them, email, text, FB or tweet - stay connected to those who lift you up and value you. Don't push people away. It will only isolate you and make you feel more alone.
4. Daily Affirmations. If you train your mind, heart and soul to affirm who you are, what you believe, and honor and remind yourself daily, you won't lose your cool when someone tries to throw you off. You'll be less likely to act out yourself, because you know honoring yourself means more than spewing out things you don't mean to God or anyone else. Church, for me, is a great place and great way to stay balanced and focused each week on the TRUTH. 
5. Gratitude You knew I would throw this in somewhere, right? It's true. A heart of gratitude is not by default. You must train your heart to be grateful at all times. When you train your heart and mind to be grateful, then those crazy outbursts or situations from others won't seem so big and will be less likely to derail you from a good day. 

Fam-ily = I Love You

This past weekend our family attended an amazing thing called "Parent Summit." This mini-conference for anyone living or working with kids (parents, aunts, uncles, future parents, grandparents) was put on by our church and followed by a family fun day with different activities for the kids. 

I took notes like a maniac on my phone and was so looking forward to sharing some of those notes here with readers. We attended a session on the 5 Love Languages, one called Say Goodbye to Complaining, Whining, and Bad Attitudes, and then one with our pastor's family.

This morning I was intent on sitting down and using my notes to write a blog for OTWG. That was before my notes were deleted. Such is life and technology, as I'm sure you've experienced at least once.

Nothing is an accident and while I did try to sit down and scribble down what I could remember, I couldn't remember a lot word for word.

Even that little accident, reshaped this week's message. The few things I did remember from our parent summit? 


Daily Affirmations
Family Affirmations
Family Rules


I'm a HUGE believer in daily affirmations and positive affirmations all through the day. If you follow On the Wings of Gratitude on Twitter or Facebook, you have found that words have great power in your day to day self-talk. What we say to our selves will shape how our day goes and how it turns out in the long run. Most parents, according to author, Dr. Chapman (5 Love Languages), love their kids, but many children don't believe their parents love them.


As a high school teacher, I had my students repeat what I called a "Class Creed." They thought it was super corny, but by the end of the year, many of them could say it by memory and for some it was an affirmation that they could do anything they set their minds to do. 


I am smart. 
I am loved.
I am important. 
I am a leader
I am part of the solution, not the problem. 
I can do anything I choose.

That isn't exactly how it went, but it's pretty close. 

Even I thought I was a little corny for having them say a daily affirmation everyday. I knew many of their families were not telling them these things and even more sad, their teachers weren't telling them these things either. If they only heard it in my class, then maybe that would make an impact on just one of them for the rest of their lives.

Yesterday confirmed, I am not crazy. :)

Daily affirmations ARE important. Family Affirmations are even more important. Affirmations are not something I grew up with. Family rules were not something we sat down to create together. We never sat down with an intention to outline family expectations or affirmations. Honestly, praying together became a very rare occurrence the older I got.


While many people are like me and did not have an experience like that described above, we have decided that our family is going to be better than the families we grew up in and just like we want to be better, we hope that our kids will want to be better than us. We don't expect they will take on all the traditions we have nor will they create the exact same family culture we have, but we do hope they will take some of the things we've created and pass them on to their kids and grand kids.

So, today we sat down with intention and reshaped an affirmation that we were already saying every morning and discussed with intent a few family rules. 

I encourage you and your family to do the same. Don't have a family? That shouldn't stop you from creating your own daily affirmation to say to yourself first thing in the morning or out loud in your car on the way to work or school. Those couple of minutes in the car before you go out into the world are some of the most crucial. If you can get in the habit of saying some positive things to yourself, your kids, or your family, they really will have the power to deal with anything that comes their way.


It's never too late to instill some sort of legacy and love into your life.

Our family affirmation:

Thank you, Lord, for this day. I will rejoice and be glad in it. I will not have a spirit of fear because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I will feel the fear and do it anyway. I will be a light bringer, an honor giver, and I will make someone feel awesome and not awful. I was intended to serve, be thankful in all circumstances and to elevate my thinking, being and doing. I will do that today.

Fly

Holly, Becca, Priscilla, Stormy - THIS one's for YOU! Biggest love and gratitude for your honesty about your losses. 

Some might say I talk about gratitude too much. Some might say I talk about grieving too much. Some might say I talk about healing too much. They might be right. 

If you have read any of the blogs or pages here at "On the Wings of Gratitude," then you know why there's so much gratitude talk. You know why we discuss grieving those we have lost. You know why it is important to heal. 

Today my brother (shown below at around 3 years) would have been 30. Thirty. When I say that out loud it is even more unbelievable than I thought it would be. 

It is ironic that every year when I really focus on my book, the one he inspired, it ends up being the months of his birth (June) and his death (July). Those months are very difficult for me. Some years are more difficult than others. 

Today, I woke up just like always. Scratch that. It was not just like always. We had an extra kid with us after a sleepover and the day started off pretty fast and furious. After our sweet extra girl left, we got ready for our first library visit of the summer. The 2 year old was not happy about his attire and was struggling with his independence to express himself with superhero t-shirts while I was struggling to dress him the way I wanted for once. :) 

So, we finally made it to the library. (If you only knew the 3 day journey it took us just to get there.) 

Little J and I were on the front row for story time while the big girls were scouting and checking out their own books. We sing songs, get our "wiggles out" and sit criss-cross-applesauce waiting for the first book to be read. 

The name of the book escapes me, but it was about a caterpillar who couldn't fly with his friends. Then, one day when his friends came to visit he flew around them. Oh how surprised they were! Oh how the little toddlers gasp at the site of the butterfly puppet! Oh how the chills ran up my arm. It was in that moment that I realized what day it was. June 8. His day.

I realized that butterflies once again made their appearance in my day, especially today. 

This was my last Sunday with my brother. Two days later he was gone. That was 24 years ago. 

I would like to tell you that you get over that loss. I would like to tell you that the pain goes away. I would like to tell you that everything will go back to how it was and that you might feel the peace you did before. 

After I got home, J had called to say he'd be late from work. The girls were gone to their dad's. I felt SO ALONE. I found myself alone on my bedroom floor, in a heap. Crying. Abandoned. Something about his death, the events after his death made me feel so abandoned. 

When we grieve, many of us find ourselves alone mostly because we all grieve differently and at different times. But there was something about everyone being gone in that moment that made all those "alone feelings" come rushing back. 

Life isn't fair. Life disappoints us. Life is taken away from us in the blink of an eye and it hurts. It especially hurts when it wasn't OUR life that was taken. People disappoint us. People don't understand. People want to help but don't know how. Life CAN be one big giant ball of disappointment.